Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Agony and the Irony

After months of waiting and whining and praying to the literary gods for just one damn review, anything please dear lord, whatever it takes...I get EXACTLY what I wished for. I'm Agnostic. I really should have known better:

1.0 out of 5 stars Needs a proofreader, April 24, 2013

Has the author no experience in the correct use of words? Mercy Bound is a relatively interesting book but the reader is brought up short time and time again by the misuse of words in almost every chapter. High heals instead of highheels. Dieing instead of dying. Affect and Effect. Their instead of they're. These are only four of the MANY misusages in this book. I am almost convinced that so many errors in the use of words must be intentional. Certainly spellcheck would have caught some of the errors. Theses instead of These. The story suffered from the constant "whoa" factor when such mistakes stopped the reader from continuing to digest the story line and that made it less than enjoyable. If the author has no-one to proofread her output, I strongly suggest she find someone with experience in reading and usage. If there are any grammarians wondering about whether to buy this book or not, I suggest not. It's just too frustrating to be stopped every time an error leaps up and hits the reader in the face.

Of course, I had to give this woman what for. (Shakes head) Just kidding. There were no fisticuffs involved. I treated the situation as it was. I sold a defective product to a dissatisfied customer and I tried to handle it in a professional way. I hope I did, at any rate. This was my reply to her review:

Karen Plaisance says:

You must have gotten the first download. This was my first foray into the scary world of self-publishing. I went into this without so much as a clue as to what I was doing. The experience was frustrating, to say the least. I later bought the blasted thing and downloaded it onto my own device a couple months later and was horrified by all the grammar and spelling mistakes. I took to fixing them as quick as I could. Unfortunately, a few people had already bought the first edition. If you want a refund on this, my feelings will not be hurt. If it's too late for you to get one, contact me through my email address ( and I will work something out with you. Also, if you're willing to give the rewrite another shot, it's available through Smashwords for free with a coupon code. Send me an email if you're interested. Again, I am so sorry your experience wasn't a pleasant one, and I hope my future attempts will be less horrendous.
Here's for hoping the next review will be better. Meanwhile, I think I'm going to go pretend I have sand in my eyes or something. (Insert sniffle here)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Beavers and Didgeridoos: The Final Countdown!

As some of you may know, I don't have a lot of shame when it comes to getting something I want. Usually, that thing is money and the money I'm trying to get is for me, but not this time. This time that thing is a didgeridoo player named Keith Flippen. Keith Flippen, Didgeridoo Player from the 3rd Dimension is a comedic parody of Sci-Fi Serials created by Zombie and the Brain Broadcasting, a New Orleans based film-making troupe. The pilot episode was submitted for the NOLA 48 Hour Film Project and won them awards for Best Film, Best Acting, and Best Writing. The creators are currently looking for donations for a kickstarter project to make the submission into a continuing web serial, and with only $1,419 more dollars to go, they are oh so close to their goal of $9,000. But here's the catch: They have to have the full $9,000 by April 18th or they get nothing, and they only have 33 hours left to go!

I have been doing my best to get the word out and have even gone so far as to threaten to show MY BOOBIES again:

But perhaps this is not enough. I've decided to kick it up a notch. Fund Keith Flippen and I'll allow my dignity to fly right out the window. Fund Keith Flippen and I'll show beaver.

Don't think I'll do it? Think I'm chicken? You have no idea the lengths to which I will go to make sure Tiny (one of the characters in the show) gets his big break as a space opera singer or to make sure my man Keith makes it to his next didgeridoo gig or that poor Penelope finally gets that date with that special someone-hopefully someone not in the middle of fighting off a Nazi zombie hoard.

I won't even hold back the goods until the project is funded. I'll take it on good faith that you will all do the right thing and fund this amazing project. So without further ado:

You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Gimp and the Trouble with Cover Art: Or How I Became a Massage Whore

I'm going to be straight up with you here. This isn't an article about S&M. Sorry to disappoint, but the Gimp earlier referred to in the title is the name of an art program like MS Paint or Photoshop. I recently downloaded it onto my computer so that I might fix the cover art for the train wreck of a novel I published on Kindle KDP. There were actually one or two people who said they liked it-might have been trying to spare my feelings but I'm going to pretend otherwise. Denial is a beautiful thing when your a hack writer.

I'm planning on publishing it on Smashwords so that it might be available for Nook, but before I do that, I need to fix the cover art, of which I have never really been happy with. I scraped up enough money to buy an image I liked on istockphoto, but it still needs tweaking. Unfortunately, I have even less talent in art than I do in writing, which is to say I have none at all. I've resorted to becoming a massage whore. Not a "suki-suki, happy ending" massage whore, gutter brain. A "I'll give you two free 60 minute massages if you just fix this for me, pretty please!" type of massage whore. I feel just as dirty, but when you're broke you've got to swallow your pride, get out on that street corner, and show a little effleurage.

Meanwhile, I've been playing around with this new Gimp program, trying to give the Johns-ahem, I mean artists-in question an idea of what I want. This is the original artwork:

The teddy bear was supposed to be smaller and the binds around the woman's wrists were supposed to be string (relevant to the novel, trust me). This was the best I could get for $100, and to be honest, I don't blame the artist for not being able to offer me the moon.

This is the image I bought on Istock:

I've decided to make things simple. I just want the title at the top, the author name at the bottom, and the background to be colorized either a blue or reddish hue like this:

This was the best I could do with Gimp. I'm hoping either my sister's friend at work or my coworker's friend's husband or whatever can do better. If anyone else out there has any suggestions, any input would be appreciated. Leave a comment on this blog or on one of my facebook pages (my personal page or my novel page), letting me know what you think. No, I will not give you a free massage for your pontifications, but I'll still love you all the same.

Author's Note to the Artists: if you're reading this, yes, you will both get your massages regardless of whose artwork I choose. Stop bitchin' pimp daddy Picasso!