Skip to main content


Showing posts from January, 2013

Reading Assignments and the Essay From Hell

Finished reading Twilight and boy is my sense of self respect tired. It was everything I expected and more. Leaden plot, check! One dimensional characters, check! Sparkly vampires, alas, Check! The plot can be summed up as such: Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Bella gets in trouble. Edward saves her. Nothing happens, Nothing happens, Bella does something stupid and gets in trouble. Edward saves her. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Vampires play baseball. The villain is introduced. The action rises for fives seconds while Bella is hunted by said villain and almost dies. Edward saves her. The end.

That's the plot in a nutshell, interspersed with the main character's constant fawning over Edward's god-like beauty and just plain spiffiness. It was enough to make me want to hurl, and I swear I have a headache from all the eye rolling. My eyesight may never recover. My coworker Misty claims the series gets better. I love ya Misty, but I'm gonna have to take your word on t…

Twilight of the Damned

I'm about to read Twilightfor the first time. Yes, you heard me. Twilight.

Let me explain.

I'm doing the 50 Book Challenge this year which means I have to read 50 books before the end of the year. This in itself is not much of a challenge seeing as I can't go more than 24 hours without a book in my hands. I once heard a rumor that I squeezed my way out of the birth canal holding onto Green Eggs and Ham. The details regarding how I accomplished this feat are sketchy, but I wouldn't put it past my mother sneaking me the reading material. I inherited my love of books from her after all. But I digress.

So far, I've read The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster (a book about a lazy, sullen little punk-not an emo kid, strangely enough-who decides to stop moping all the time and become a productive member of society after he is transported to a land called the Kingdom of Wisdom through a mysterious tollbooth he finds in his bedroom...because you know, that shit just happens) a…

College Registration: The Tenth Circle of Hell

According to Dante, there are nine circles of suffering waiting for all us unrepentant sinners. The way it works is you're sent to one circle or the other depending on what terrible deeds you did in life to deserve this shit. You've got your upper levels for self-indulgent sins like lust and gluttony and coveting your neighbors ass-a sin that could be greed or lust or both depending on what context you're using. Circles six and seven are for heretics and violent assholes. I can get behind number seven, but six is going to be pretty damn crowded considering the multitude of religions that consider you a heretic if you even think about the others with any sort of tolerance. The eighth circle is for frauds and TV psychics like John Edward. And of course, we all remember the ninth circle is for traitors like Satan, Judas Iscariot, and that kid who ratted me out in the third grade.

Dante ends the suffering at nine, but I believe I've discovered a tenth, or as I like to call …

Exposition and Scrotum Monsters...The Hobbit: A Review

Aha! Thought you'd heard the last of me, eh? Not today bitches! I promised a review before the end of time and by gum, you're going to get it.

So, what can I say about The Hobbit? It was alright, you know, for a close to 3 hour movie full of unpronounceable, hard to remember names for a group of characters whose unexpected journey seems to include lots and lots of exposition. And a monster with testicles on its chin. Yeah. That was creepy. I think I'd like to see it again-the movie, not the testicle monster-when it comes out on Blu-ray. I want to watch it in the privacy of my home where I have the luxury of pressing the pause button when I need to get up to pee. It'll also give me more time to decipher whatever the hell all those characters-don't ask me their names-were talking about. Maybe I need to reread the book or get some Spark Notes or something. Perhaps a graph would help. I don't know.

I had the same problem with Lord of The Rings, though I remember enjo…