Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Facebook PM Mating Call 3: Fun with Perverts

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Facebook pervs are desperate. They must be if they're trying to hit up this. Then again, maybe there are some places where big boned women with a US citizenship such as myself are highly desirable. The common theme amongst all of these guys is that they are usually foreign. Well, that and their spelling grammar are atrocious. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect when it comes to this, but at least I use spellcheck. At least I try, damn it!
 
Case in point: Jame Smith. Mr. Smith wanted to be "friends" because of my lovely appearance. Also, his thoughts went "wide"? I'm not sure what that means, but sure. Why not:
 
 
Jame Smith

Hello, what a lovely profile, you look lovely beyond imagination, i came across your lovely profile, my thought went wide, and i had to tell you how i feel about your lovely appearance, it will be a pleasure to be a close friend of yours. awaiting to read from you soon.

 
Karen Williams

Um, thanks. I guess. I'll be sure to tell my husband what a catch I am. I am unsure if having "wide" thoughts is good thing or a bad thing, but I suppose wide thoughts are better than narrow ones, so good for you. I'm a bit confused, however, as to why you think finding someone has a "lovely appearance" warrants a need to suddenly make friends with a total stranger. If you said you thought my posts were interesting, I might have had more faith in your sincerity regarding friendship. I don't think I could ever be close friends with anyone who cared more about what my profile picture looks like than the person I am. This is probably why I love my husband as much as I do. My husband. The wonderful guy I married. But if you still want to be friends, please read this first. Read from it and learn from the mistakes of others before you: http://doomtown-doomtown.blogspot.com/2014/04/facebook-pm-mating-call-2-take-hint-perv.html?m=1
 
 
 
Jame Smith

hello thanks for your response to me, how are you doing today? hope to hear form you soon?
 
 
Karen Williams

You...did read my last message, right? I hope there's no confusion. I hate confusion almost as much as I hate run-on sentences and improper use of punctuation.

Joshua Whitacker gave me a severe case of grammar whiplash. I may never recover:
 
Joshua Whitaker
Joshua Whitaker
hi how are you? i hope your ok do have a good day in god name. i am single, i hope to be with a beautiful lady with u.
 
Karen Williams
Karen Williams
I'm doing pretty good. I have a little acid reflux going on, and my left ankle hurts a bit, but other than that, I'm fine. Thanks for asking! I was having a really good day...That is, until your message gave me grammar whiplash. The first letter at the start of every sentence should be capitalized, "your" should be "you're", "god name" should be "God's name" (I'll give you some leeway over the capitalization of "god" depending on your level of devotion to the Guy upstairs), and I'm pretty sure you should have ended the sentence at "ok" (okay or o.k. would be better, but I'm willing to let this slide also). For example, "I hope you're okay. Do have a good day in God's name." Sounds better, doesn't it?
 
You say you're single? Well, good for you! I remember the days when I was single. They were good times, but to be honest, I prefer the married life. Being married is so awesome. I can only hope you will someday find a beautiful lady to be with "u" (insert cringe here). Unfortunately, that lady will not be me, what with the fact that I'm married, as was previously mentioned. I can give you some good advice regarding finding a life mate, however, and my advice is as follows: Brush up on your grammar and spelling, and stop trolling married women on Facebook.
 
Have a good day!
 
Joshua Whitaker
Karen Williams
Karen Williams
Wow. Or: Wow!
 
Joshua Whitaker
Joshua Whitaker
I'm not hear for joking I'm man of god
 
Karen Williams
Karen Williams
I'm not joking either. Your grammar needs massive improvement. But by the grace of "god", I'm sure you will someday overcome this affliction. An editor might help too. Just saying.
 
Joshua Whitaker
Joshua Whitaker
Have u marry
 
Joshua Whitaker
Joshua Whitaker
Nice to meet u. i will like to express my self to u you.. i am very sweet and easy going person. i see the silver lining to every cloud. i also see humor in everything and love to laugh. I have strong values and more is i'm single Man I m ready to be faithful and a responsible man who have fear of god will never accept a anything short of commitment. I'm form Nigeria. Study. Mechanic Engineering and work with in M T N for and i also love my job as a professional. In my work. and 4'8ft,green and you can as will facilitate the process if my relationship with you grow rapidly. have developed my interest in you and it will remain their forever, love is war easy to start but very hard to put end, i promise to keep you.
 
Karen Williams
Karen Williams
Are you asking me if I'm married? See man, this is what I'm talking about! Bad grammar makes for some wacky confusion. But yes, I am married and happily so.
 
Joshua Whitaker

 
Ok


Abhijit Singh keeps calling me "baby" and "my dear". This was after he tried hitting up my sister when he didn't get anywhere with me, so I just started ignoring his ass:
 
Abhijit Singh
Abhijit Singh
hi
 
November 27, 2013
 
Abhijit Singh
Abhijit Singh
hi babay
 

November 29, 2013
 
Abhijit Singh
Abhijit Singh
hello
hi
wat da hell

 

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Lazy Time Reblog Sunday: Quirky Chrissy and Resolutions or Lack Thereof

I made a New Year's resolution to lose weight and live healthier this year, and if Chrissy has anything to say about it, I'm doing this shit all wrong. Instead of going the old and boring route of making one or two resolutions that she probably won't be able to keep all year long, Chrissy of the blog Quirky Chrissy, is making a month by month checklist. Considering her goal for January is to "Do Fucking Nothing", I think she'll have better luck than I with keeping her resolutions.
 
Chrissy of Quirky Chrissy doesn't make Resolutions. She makes plans. Big fucking plans.
In honor of Chrissy's quirky take on New Year's resolutions and life in general, I'm dedicated this Lazy Time Reblog Sunday to her. Follow her here at her blog, her Facebook page, on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Google +, and email her at chrissy@quirkychrissy.com
 
 

New Year’s Resolutions…You’re Doing Them Wrong

Show of hands, Blog Friends…

Who’s making a New Year’s Resolution this year? I’ll bet it’s related to weight, money, happiness, or education…amiright?
New Year's Resolutions
Fuck that shit, you guys. Everyone makes THOSE resolutions. It’s time to get serious about your life. Do some hard thinking and really plan out the year that you want. Lucky for you, I’ve come up with the perfect system for resolution making. It’s seriously flawless. I’ve taken the liberty of breaking down the ultimate resolution checklist by month to make it easy for you to achieve your goals. You’re welcome in advance.

January Goals

Do fucking nothing. You’ve spent the last 2-8 weeks preparing for the holidays, whether you celebrate Christmas, New Year’s, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or whatever…and before that, there was that whole Thanksgiving feast thing to worry about. Slow the fuck down, young padawan. January is a month of rest – not a month of fixing your life. You’ve survived the last however many weeks, months or years without hitting up the gym…I’ll bet your body can do another 4 weeks while you cuddle in front of the TV doing absolutely nothing.

February Goals

Get the fuck out of town. If you’re in a cold-weather climate, you’re probably cold, tired and depressed because you haven’t seen the sun in weeks. Even if you’re just hitting up a local indoor water park for the weekend, buck up and get away. Even if it’s not cold, go somewhere different. Use the time away to think and unwind. You’ll be revitalized to really get moving on these resolutions you’re about to start.
Marco Island Florida
Valentine’s Day
  • If you’re single, ACTUALLY ignore Valentine’s Day. Don’t say you’re ignoring it and then go out with all your girlfriends to celebrate you. Go to work. Eat a regular candy bar and not 27 mini candy bars in your favorite game of heart-shaped chocolate roulette. Eat your regular frozen dinner and skip the bottle of wine tonight. Spend a few hours playing Candy Crush or whatever it is you do when you’re not doing anything important. It’s just another day.
  • If you’re in a relationship, go ahead and do something on Valentine’s Day. Even if you could give two shits about that “silly Hallmark holiday,” you’ve got a honey to hug, so hug them.

March Goals

Drink more. It’s still cold. And gray. And snowy. Or rainy. And the days are still pretty short. So go ahead and enjoy a bottle or two of wine. Your waistline won’t mind…Plus it’s good for your heart (I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I’M A MASTER OF BULLSHIT. DO NOT LISTEN TO MEDICAL ADVICE THAT I PRETEND TO GIVE.)

April Goals

Go outside, lazy. The weather is finally picking up. It doesn’t matter if you’re just dining al fresco in 65 degree weather…get your ass outside. You’ve been cooped up inside eating and drinking for 3-5 months. You could use a little Vitamin D.
Spring Tulips on State Street
Plan for something amazing. It’s now time to start thinking of a summer getaway. If your local weather gets sweltering, head north for a cool, breezy summer vacay. Or head somewhere even warmer. Or plan a getaway to meet up with a bunch of people on the internet that you’ve never met before (or that you meet every summer just like summer camp only better). Do  what you want, yo. It’s your vacay.

May Goals

Wish me happy birthday, bitches. As I was born in the beautiful month of May, you should plan to stop by and say happy birthday to me. I mean. You know. If you want.
Pick some flowers. Just, you know…don’t be an asshat and pick flowers from your neighbor’s garden. Go to a field or park where you are allowed to pick flowers. Or try your own backyard. Dandelions and other “weeds” totally count. But not that kind of weed. It’s like you’re not even listening to me. Sheesh.

June Goals

Overuse your grill. If you don’t have a grill, you’re doing it wrong. Stop cooking inside. Your home will stay cooler, and your food will taste better. If you don’t believe that everything tastes better on the grill, you’re wrong. And that’s that.

July Goals

Drink a cold one (or twelve). It’s summer, and what’s summer without a frosty beer? Try something new, this time though…No more of that Miller Lite bullshit. Journey outside your boundaries of piss water, and drink a crafty craft beer.
I love this beer.
I love this beer.
Cash in on those vacation plans. Whether you’re heading to a small local getaway like the Wisconsin Dells, a nearby beach, or a local lakeside escape, go enjoy a weekend or week of summer. You’ve been working hard on your resolutions; you deserve it.

August Goals

Plan out your Halloween costume. For real this time. Don’t SAY you’re going to have a plan and then forget until October 25, when you’re forced to tease the fuck out of your hair, thrown makeup all over your face and pretend to be a crazy lady.
Halloween teased hair
 

September Goals

Get your Christmas shopping done. Imagine you. In December. Without a fucking shopping care in the world. You don’t have to worry about who’s got free shipping. You won’t have to step foot in a mall from November through January. Pat yourself on the back this year and get that shit over with early.

October Goals

Go ALL out for Halloween. I’m talking costumes. Decorations. Treat bags for the kids. Get wild and have fun. You know you’ve always wanted to.
Eat your favorite candy. It’s okay. You didn’t make a goal to lose weight this year. You’re following the resolutions that will allow you to have more fun this year. So go ahead. Buy that bag of Almond Joys. I won’t tell.

November Goals

Celebrate Thanksgiving, and DON’T call Thanksgiving or a dinner with friends, “friendsgiving.” Thanks in advance for limiting the hipster buzzwords from spreading like gonorrhea.
Avoid getting suckered into Black Friday. God created the internet for a reason. You can do all your sale shopping from the comfort of your home…while you’re still in your underwear. Or naked. Just…you know…avoid taking selfies.

December Goals

Plan for next year. Don’t wait for me to tell you what to do. Make your own list this time. Maybe you can give me a few pointers, because I’ll surely tap out halfway through December in stress mode.
Eat, drink, and be merry. Seriously. You only live once. Enjoy it.

Happy New Year, guys! What goals would you add to this list?