Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Doomtown Feature Interview: The Crazy Homeless Guy on the Corner of Poydras and South Claiborne Avenue

I was driving to work one day, trying to think of a good interview subject, when I happened upon a homeless guy standing on the corner of Poydras Street. He was holding a sign warning of the dangers of a coming Martian invasion, and begging for money. To be fair, I'm not sure if Mr. Shazam Dynamite-the name he gave me-is truly one of the city's disenfranchised. He claimed to have a home and plenty to eat but needed the money for the spaceship he is building to escape the "Red Menace". Here's the scoop I was able to get from him while waiting for the light to turn green.

Karma Girl: Can you tell me how you ended up here?

Shazam Dynamite: Took the bus.

KG: I meant how you came to be at such a low point in your life, but sure. What's up with the sign?

Shaz: The Meanies, they follow me, but I'm too smart for them. Gave 'em the slip.

KG: The Meanies?

Shaz: The Red Meanies. The Red Menace.

KG: ...Communists?

Shaz: (Gives me an irritated groan) No, you idiot! I think of Mars. It will be our destruction, make no mistake!

KG: Okay then. Why are the Martians going to attack us? I hear they have water now, so what's the deal?

Shaz: The water story is a lie, a ruse made up by our red planet oppressors. They try to give us a false sense of calm, but I'm on to them. Oh yes.

KG: They want our water, you're saying?

Shaz: (Looks at me like I'm crazy) Don't be foolish. They want our women. They need to procreate with humans to make a super race of beings that will wipe us all out by the year 2050. It's been foretold.

KG: Where?

Shaz: Where what?

KG: Where has it been foretold? Who foretold this?

Shaz: It has been foretold by the ancients.

KG: That's not very helpfull, but sure. Tell me about your name. Where did you come up with Shazam Dynamite? Did you make it, up or did your parents lose a bet?

Shaz: It was given to me.

KG: By your parents?

Shaz: By the guardians of the world beyond.

KG: You're godparents?

Shaz: They are guardians, not Gods. But it is good of you to say so.

KG: What are you planning to do with the money you collect?

Shaz: I will build a transportation device to send the women of this planet to a safe destination beyond the stars.

KG: That might be tricky. Lot of women on this planet. What if they don't want to come?

Shaz: (Shrugs) You can't save every gilt from the farmer's axe nor can you force every heiffer to run from the slaughter house. It has been said.

KG: Try not comparing women to farm animals. You'll get farther.

Shaz: You think?

KG: (I nod) Now we've come to the part of the interview process that I call THE SERIOUS THREE-

Shaz: Huh?

KG: In this segment, I ask you three deleriously dour, impressively serious questions. Are you ready, Shazam?

Shaz: ...This is an interview? Where are the cameras? (Fixes his hair)

Question #1: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Shaz: You're mocking me, aren't you?

KG: No.

Shaz: Okay. Well, I guess it would probably be around thirteen because of all the tentacles.

Question #2: What is the meaning of life?

Shaz: Be true to yourself. Also, farfegnugen.

Question #3: Where can my readers follow you?

Shaz: (Looks around suspiciously) Who's following me? You brought them right to me, didn't you?!?!

KG: Thank you, Mr. Dynamite for taking the time to answer my questions. (My light turns green. I hand him a five dollar bill.)

Shaz: (Face brightens up) Hey! Thanks, lady! I'll be sure to save a seat for you on the Evac ship.

(I quickly drive away....)

Monday, September 28, 2015

Massage Time: Calories, Calories, Calories...

After five months of eating everything in sight, I've decided it's time to get back on the wagon. Again. I know, I know. I've done this before. In my defense, my entire dieting regiment was thrown off kilter in May when I was dealing with an excruciatingly painful canker sore on the roof of my mouth. By the time it healed, I would have raised Terry Pratchett from the dead and punched him in his awesome face if it meant I could eat anything that wasn't of a cold mashed potato consistency. I love me some Terry Pratchett, but I love food more.

Nothing personal, dude.

So I'm back to calorie counting and exercising. I've even added swimming to my workout routine. It's a good calorie burner, even though I need a freaking life belt to keep afloat. You would think with all the junk I have in my trunk I wouldn't need a floatation device. I asked Neesa Johnson, a colleague of mine, her opinion on the matter, and she suggested to me that I might have high bone density which causes people to sink like a stone when trying to swim. This makes me feel vindicated after years of telling people I'm not fat, just big boned.

Told you, bitches!

"Hold on a minute there, Ke-mo Sah-bee!" I hear y'all saying. But really I don't because this is the internet and I'm not psychic. "What does any of this have to do with massage? You're not trying to get out of writing yet another blog post are you?"

"Why would I try to get out of writing a blog post by writing another blog post?" Is what I would say if, in fact, I did hear y'all talking trash. "This thing is WAY too long to be a lazy post. And who the hell still says Ke-mo Sah-bee? Am I even spelling that shit right?"

I would totally say that. Super totes.

But to answer your question, I asked Ms. Johnson if I should include massage as a calorie burning exercise, and if so, how many calories does it burn, anyway? I looked it up and was surprised to find a 160 pound female burns approximately 289 calories doing an hour's worth of massage. That seemed a bit high since I don't feel as if I'm exerting myself quite that much. I calculated for my weight and came up with 273 calories which still seems high. I can sometimes do five or six massages in a day, so why am I not a twig?

Well, for one, I only recently started watching what I eat, so my calorie intake has been higher than my calorie burning expenditure regardless of how much I work. And two, I do massage five days a week. My body has adapted itself to except massage as a normal activity. It's the same reason personal trainers tell you not to do the same workout over and over, Neesa said. Your body retains its fat because it adapts to repeated routines. And because it hates you.

So after all this research, I've decided to count a fraction of those calories burned, but only if I've had an extremely hard workday, like if I get a lot of deep tissue work and expend more than usual. I'm hoping at the very least to earn myself enough calories to drink a beer.

Hard apple cider. Because I'm a drunk with distinguished tastes. And because real beer tastes...beery?

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Lazy Time Reblog Sunday: 1000 Awesome Things

These past couple months have been sheer hell. Not just the ordinary, run of the mill hell. Sheer. Hell. Which is only slightly better than absolute hell, but not as good as...well, good. I've been dealing with uncontrollable food cravings, wacked out mood swings, and an existential crisis of infinite proportions. I'm not pregnant. In fact, if my recently fired gynecologist had his way, I'd never have children at all.
But that's a blog post for another day.
Instead, here are a few awesome things to cheer us all up! This month's Lazy Time Reblog Sunday is dedicated to Neil Pasricha and his aptly named blog, 1000 Awesome Things. Pasricha started the blog in 2008 after his divorce and a close friend's suicide encouraged him to find those "bright spots in the darkness".
So here's Awesome Thing #160. Be sure to buy one of Mr. Pasricha's many books and/or submit an awesome thing of your own.

#160 Going really fast over speed bumps in the back of a school bus

It’s a different world.
The back of the schoolbus is a strange seatbeltless land far away from teachers, parents, and watching eyes. Slide on the slippery vinyl seats, let your booger noses drip, and laugh out loud with your eight-year old pals as you bump and bounce along to school.
When the bus smacks a big bump there’s suddenly a blurry scene of flying elbow-scabbed arms and grass-stained knees. Butts leave the seat, faces smack the window, and some kid sitting backwards sucking on a juice box might even go rolling right down the aisle.
You keep your looping roller coasters and fancy water slides.
We’ll take these big ol’ speed bumps on our daily school bus rides.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Blog Update: Don't Panic! I'm Still Here.

I promised four posts a month, and I intend to keep that month. This month has been kind of a bitch to me, so there will only be two posts for the month of August. Three if you count this one. I'll update the Doomtown Theater post soon and get back on schedule with next month's Lazy Time Reblog next Sunday. Promise.

Here's a cute puppy meme to get you through until next post.

You're Welcome.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Join Me Tuesday for This Month's Doomtown Theater: This is the End

Join me Tuesday the 18th at 10:30 PM for this month's Doomtown Theater live-tweet movie review. I'll be reviewing This is the End, with Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel, a movie that tells you just how well Hollywood's finest will fair during the rapture.

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Lazy Time Reblog Sunday: The Consumerist

According to an article I read in the Consumerist, McDonald's has been trying out an all-day breakfast menu at a few select locations. This would be all of the awesome since I love me some breakfast. Also because I love their Egg White Delight McMuffin. That and their apple slices make McDonald's one of the few places I can trick myself into thinking I'm eating healthy. Chick-Fil-A is another, but they've gotten my order wrong so often, I only go to them when I'm desperate. Also, they've held me captive in their drive-thru one too many times. Twenty minutes for an egg and cheese bagel and a damn fruit cup? Really Chick-Fil-A? Really?

Know what else tastes delicious? Food. And not being late for work. Asshole.

Unfortunately, my hopes of an all-day egg white breakfast sandwich might be dead in the water before it even sets sail according to yet another article, also by the Consumerist. Turns out the rising cost of eggs due to an ongoing avian flu epidemic is causing the Golden Arches to reconsider their plans.

Thanks Consumerist. Thanks for raising my hopes with one article, only to dash them with another. This Lazy Time Reblog Sunday is dedicated to you, Consumerist, the dream dashing messenger. (Insert Tear Drop Here.)

McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast Could Go Nationwide By October


McMuffins, Sausage Burritos, Hash Browns and Hotcakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner? That could be the new reality at McDonald’s restaurants around the country as soon as this fall.

That is, according to a memo recently sent to franchisees and employees of the fast good giant, the Wall Street Journal reports.

As we’re well aware of by now, McDonald’s began testing a (limited) all-day breakfast menu in several markets – starting in San Diego and recently expanding to Mississippi and Tennessee – earlier this year, and it appears those trial runs are going well.

The company memo, sent from an Arizona franchisee heading the task force for all-day breakfast, notifies franchisees to be ready for the possible launch of all-day breakfast as early as October.

McDonald’s did not immediately respond to the WSJ’s request for comment on the memo or the potential nationwide launch of the all-day breakfast menu.

But before consumers’ dreams of a nationwide all-day breakfast bonanza can come true, franchisee committees must approve the move.

According to the WSJ, restaurant operators must place equipment orders by mid-August and decide whether or not they want menu boards to feature the breakfast items.

“We want to make it clear that we are not being presumptive that this will launch, but we want to make sure the system is ready to turn quickly and launch all day breakfast should all of you believe and support that direction,” the memo stated.

Votes from franchisee leadership groups are expected to be held – at least initially – on August 14.

The Golden Arches began testing a limited all-day breakfast menu – featuring McMuffins (Egg, Sausage, Sausage with Egg), the Sausage Burrito, Hash Browns, Hotcakes, Hotcakes and Sausage, Fruit & Maple Oatmeal and Fruit ‘N Yogurt Parfait – in March, after years of customers expressing their desire for the meals.

McDonald’s Could Offer All-Day Breakfast Nationwide in October [The Wall Street Journal]

Friday, July 31, 2015

Doomtown Feature Interview: Stephanie Webb, Comedian

The Usual Unusual Disclaimer: The jokes on this blog are for entertainment purposes only. Doomtown is not responsible for any injuries acquired while laughing your ass off, nor will we provide the reader with a new ass as replacement. Doomtown is not responsible for, and expressly disclaims all liability for, damages of any kind arising out of use, reference to, or reliance on any information contained within the site that might make the reader feel butt hurt enough to sue us. Should the reader still desire to bring suit against the blog, please feel free to contact our lawyers at Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

Karma Girl: How did you get into the comedy/improv biz? Did it have something to do with rubber chickens?

Stephanie Webb: I've always had a passion for comedy. A few years ago I even started writing sketches for fun, I had the itch, as they say, but I didn't know where to go from there.  Not too long after I was working as a hostess at a restaurant, one of the pastry chefs there invited me to her improv graduation at a place called The New Movement Theater. I did some research on the place and within a month I was signed up for classes. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Oh and oddly enough, the aforementioned pastry chef was actually a live rubber chicken, a very talented one I might add.

KG: What is improv, and how does one do it?

SW: First let me say that improv is difficult, and it definitely takes formal training to be good at it! Basically one person will go on stage, and one or more people will follow. The person who first walks up will usually initiate a scene by saying a short, unrehearsed line, something like, "I can't believe you're late again, Charles."  It is up to everyone on stage to build a story around that initial statement. It's important to have an open mind and accept others' ideas because if you're the initiator and you have a preconceived idea that Charles is late because he peed his pants on the bus and your teammate wants Charles to be late because he was saving the planet from aliens, the scene won't work. It's a technique called, "yes, and". And I don't feel like explaining it, that's what Google is for:)

KG: Do you write your own routines and, if so, where do you get your material?

SW: I write my own stand up routines, but like I said, improv has to be off the cuff, so writing scenes ahead of time is a HUGE NO NO! I do, however, get inspired by different things from my life. My hometown for instance inspires a ton of my jokes when I write stand-up, and I'm sure it plays a big part in the choices I make during improv scenes. One of my opening jokes is, "To give you an idea of what my hometown is like, imagine if a banjo was a person, and it had sex with the Insane Clown Posse and they had 60,000 kids." So yea, my Facebook feed is a treasure trove of possible material.

KG: What do you do when the audience isn’t laughing at your jokes? Suffer in silence or start break dancing?

SW: I have found that most audiences want to laugh, and New Orleans people are typically laid back and polite. However if I get a bad reaction, I like to line each audience member up and slap them as hard as I can in the face. Then I go home, scream into a pillow, and make passive-aggressive comments to my boyfriend.

KG: How do you deal with hecklers and, on a related note, how many bodies are buried in your backyard? How do hecklers work as compost, anyway?

SW: I haven't encountered a heckler yet. I'm pretty quick on my feet with comebacks so hopefully murder won't be necessary.

KG: Where do you see your career heading in another five years?

SW: My ultimate goal would be to write comedy or perform comedy and get paid for it! For now though I'm just happy that I get to make people laugh on a regular basis.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Massage Time: Sage Wagner, Voted New Orleans Top 20 Professionals

My friend and coworker Sage Wagner of Sage Bodywork Nola and Balance Spa and Fitness was voted one of New Orleans' 2015 top 20 professionals in VIP Magazine. He is most awesome. Check him out in VIP Magazine's 16th issue (Page 33). Book your massage with him today. I command you!

Sunday, July 05, 2015

Lazy Time Reblog Sunday: D.J. Paris...the Person, Not the City in France

D.J. Paris
After working an entire day in a pair of pants that are one donut away from not fitting me anymore, I read this and laughed. I really needed that. This month's Lazy Time Reblog is dedicated to D.J. Paris and his blog, Thoughts From Paris. You can follow him here on Twitter or here on Facebook, and be sure to subsribe to his blog.

I Used to Wear Tight Jeans – A Confession

There has been an unfortunate trend over the past few years where men, usually in their late-teens to early twenties, have started to purchase and wear “skinny” jeans.  I’m talking about the jeans that are not just tight in the seat or waist, but in the legs, too.

I think most of us can agree that this is not a masculine look.  I’m not saying it’s a terrible look.  I don’t like it, personally.  But guys dress for women and men wouldn’t be wearing jeans like this if girls didn’t respond.  It’s strikingly effeminate in my opinion, and my experience with women is that they respond more to masculinity.  But what the hell do I know?  I’m old, married, and off the grid.

When it comes to clothes, I lean to the conservative.  I grew up in the Midwest, and have been wearing pretty socially-normal clothing for most of my life.  I still do.  I shop at places like Banana Republic for shirts, Lucky Brand for jeans, and Aldo for shoes.  Nothing too fancy, nothing too crazy.  Simple and clean.  It’s boring, but it looks good on me.

However, I do have one indulgence.  Or, to be more accurate, I HAD one indulgence.  Tight pants.

Now, not the same pants I just referenced earlier funneling out of a Death Cab for Cutie concert.  I’m talking about tight in the crotch.  Unfortunately, I am not joking.

How did this start?  By total accident, actually.  I was living in a studio apartment in Chicago, and single.  It was 2002.  I wanted to own just one fashionable, expensive pair of jeans.  The problem was I didn’t have any money.  I couldn’t afford to blow $150 on a pair of Diesel’s.

The interesting thing is that Levi’s had just come out that year with a premium line of jeans.  They were nearly $200, however.  Way out of my price range.  However, I found a guy selling a new pair on Ebay for around $50.  The reason was that these were labeled incorrectly in size.  They were really a 34×34 (my size at the time), but listed on the jean tag as 33×34, so they couldn’t be sold at a retail outlet.

I ordered them, and was thrilled to have a nice pair of jeans coming my way.  When they arrived, they were not 34×34 as stated in the product description.  They were, in fact, 32×34.  Now, I could maybe squeeze into a 33, but not a 32.  What could I do?  No refunds allowed.

Then I noticed they were boot-cut, which turned out to be an asset even though I hadn’t ever worn a pair of boots in my life.  I tried them on, and while amazingly tight, they widened at the bottom near the feet.  In my rationale this evened out the look.  Tight on top, super loose on the bottom.  I couldn’t use my diaphragm to breathe, but who cares?  These were cool.

By the way, can we stop for a moment and discuss this word “diaphragm”?  Why is it a muscle you use as part of respiration, and also a means by which you can avoid parenthood?  I never understood that.  Change one of the names, I say.  Okay, back to story.

So, the jeans worked okay, in my opinion.  They looked fine in the mirror.  Except for one thing – you could totally make out my dong.

I must have tried to position my privates in at least seven different locations, but it was no use.  You could see everything.

Not like this guy - But close

However, maybe this wasn’t so bad.  Not that I wanted people being able to see my magic, but maybe nobody would even notice.  I’ve never known women to look at a guy’s crotch.  I mean, I dated a lot, and no girl ever said, “Check out the d on that fellow!”  I’ve heard women talk about a guy’s butt, but never about front-junk.  So, I said, “Screw it.”  I put my loose fitting jeans (and dignity) in the closet where they gathered dust.

I wore the tight jeans for a year or two.  To be honest, I really have no idea if I became a walking joke, or if nobody ever noticed.  I seemed to get dates, and not one woman ever said anything about how the whole bar knew that I was a “lefty.”

Fast forward a few years, and I had finally come to my senses.  I realized this was not a look I wanted to cultivate, even if nobody noticed.  My income had expanded, and I now had the ability to purchase clothes that flattered my appearance.  Also, that fit correctly.  I put the tight jeans in the closet indefinitely where they hugged a coat hanger, instead of my balls.

After I turned 28, I started dating a woman who lived in a different state.  I made plans to go visit her, and took a flight to spend the weekend.  I had told her the tight jeans story, and she had me promise to bring them down and show her what they looked like.  Essentially, she wanted to make fun of me. But, I’m a sport so I packed them.

When I got to her condo, I threw my suitcase in her closet, and dug around to change clothes.  Before I changed, she insisted that I model the tight jeans for her.  I hadn’t put them on in years, but, quite honestly, was kind of excited, because of how funny this was going to look.  I’ll sacrifice a little “cool” for a good joke.

I grabbed the jeans from the bottom of the closet and wrestled my way into them.  It really was an effort, but I got them on.  I didn’t remember them being THIS tight, but whatever.  I thought for sure I would bust the seam, just trying to get the button fly together.  I was like, “Man, either I’ve gotten fatter, or these jeans were way more unforgiving than I remember!”

I hadn’t gotten fatter.  I had put on her jeans by mistake.

Now, let’s go back a few steps.  I have to explain something because this probably sounds worse than it was.  This woman was six feet tall.  Also thin and fit.  I’m 6′ 2″ and pretty thin myself.

But still, I had put on her jeans.  And they had fit.  Tightly and uncomfortably, but they fit.

She quietly and softly said, “Um – those are my jeans.”  I had no idea.

I laughed.  I’m not a woman.  It had never crossed my mind that she might feel embarrassed that her boyfriend could fit into her pants.  I mean, I already knew this woman was beautiful and thin.  So, what’s the big deal?

Well, I’ve told this story to a bunch of women over the years, and they all have the same response.  It’s a big deal.  So, let’s just say that it’s safe to assume her self-esteem didn’t grow leaps and bounds after this event.  I don’t know if she starting cutting or anything, but it wasn’t a good start to the weekend.  She was a real trooper though, and laughed it off.  Our relationship ended soon after that. Not because of this, I don’t think.

A few days ago I was telling my wife that I was going to write this story, and she pulled a potentially dangerous trick on me.  She made me try on her jeans.  Now, my wife is thin, but she’s also 5’8″.  That’s not too far from 6’2″.  Plus, I happen to currently be at my thinnest in years.  I tried to weasel out of it, but she essentially forced me to put on her jeans.

See, this really isn’t a fair thing, as women are built differently then men, often with wider hips.  So, jeans for a woman tend to accommodate for this.  Plus, they use different size measurements.  For men it’s in inches.  For women, it’s a size from 0-whatever.  I don’t know the conversion.  If my wife is a size 3 (no idea what size she really is), how many inches is that?  Heck if I know.  I tried doing the math, but couldn’t figure it out.

So, I just went for it.  I was absolutely relieved to find out that I came nowhere near fitting into her jeans.  I mean, I have to share a bed with this woman.  It’s in my best interest to not fit into her jeans. Thankfully, I didn’t.  However, I did make her take this picture.  Enjoy.

Thank God...

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Feature Interview: Karma Girl, AKA, Karen Williams, Author of Doomtown

Have you ever encountered the type of person that just couldn’t help putting things off until the last second? I’m talking about the kind of idiot who, when given an assignment will inevitably be found madly typing two hours before deadline, hoping they make it to zero hour with a finished project in hand. The type of person who, when out of ideas, will cobble something together that would make Frankenstein’s monster shudder and exclaim, “No, no, no! I think we could do better than that.” I know of no such person.
"The hell, you say! Arg."
On an unrelated note, this month’s Doomtown Feature Interview is with Karma Girl, AKA Karen Williams, massage therapist and blogger of that spiffy blog, Doomtown. It is quiet excellent. I’ve heard.

THE USUAL UNUSUAL DISCLAIMER: Don’t bother asking yourself if this whole thing is “meta”. You’ll give yourself a headache.

KARMA GIRL: How do we start this thing, anyway? Am I the interviewer or are you?

KAREN WILLIAMS: Since you asked the first question, might as well be you. I’m good either way.

KARMA GIRL: Nifty! I never realized how easy we are to get along with.

KAREN WILLIAMS: Yeah, we are pretty reasonable about things.

KARMA GIRL: Okay. Next question: The name of your blog is Doomtown. Why do you call it that?

KAREN WILLIAMS: When I started Doomtown ten years ago, I was a blackjack dealer at a casino called Boomtown Belle Casino in Harvey, Louisiana. I hated my job. My coworkers were all great, but I’ve never been big with the social skills-something you kind of need when dealing with verbally abusive drunk people you aren’t allowed to punch. I decided to pour all my work frustrations into a blog. The problem was there was this big controversy around that time regarding people getting fired for saying too much about their lives online. Since I felt a general air of doom every time I left for work, I decided to call my blog Doomtown to protect my identity.

KARMA GIRL: Now that you’re no longer a casino dealer, what is the current focus of your blog?

KAREN WILLIAMS: I’m a massage therapist and writer who loves making fun of cheesy movies, asking people stupid questions, and procrastinating to the point I have to reblog other people’s content. Figure it out.

KARMA GIRL: Fair enough. So, you’re a writer-


KARMA GIRL: Oh come on! I didn’t even ask the question yet.

KAREN WILLIAMS: I’m rewriting it. Next topic.


KAREN WILLIAMS: And stop rolling our eyes at us.

KARMA GIRL: Fine. (Eye Roll) How did you come up with the idea for Doomtown Theater?

KAREN WILLIAMS: I think I was looking for things to reblog when I came across this live-tweet review of Fifty Shades of Grey, the novel.


KAREN WILLIAMS: I know, right? Anyway, Luvvie, the woman who did the live-tweet, was incredibly funny, and I wondered how it would work if I tried it with a movie. I tried it, and it was fun, so I decided to make it a reoccurring thing.

KARMA GIRL: What are your plans for Doomtown in the future?

KAREN WILLIAMS: I’d say world domination, but let’s face it. I’m too damn lazy.



KARMA GIRL: Well, thanks for a lovely interview, me!

KAREN WILLIAMS: Uh, aren’t we forgetting something?

KARMA GIRL: Oh crap! I almost forgot it’s time for THE SERIOUS THREE. This is the segment of the interview where I ask the interviewee three exceptionally abstemious, amazingly serious questions.

KAREN WILLIAMS: We are so running out of synonyms for this segment. Okay. Let’s do this thing.

QUESTION #1: After reading our many blog posts about massage, I think a lot of our readers would like to know what exactly is a “happy ending” and why is it so distasteful?

KAREN WILLIAMS: Fire. Die in it. Moving on.

KARMA GIRL: But seriously, I think our readers might not-

KAREN WILLIAMS: Next. Question.

KARMA GIRL: Okay, okay. We don’t have to be like that.

QUESTION #2: Which would you rather? To be afflicted by some terrible dysfunction that makes it impossible to read books OR have the ability to read, but only if you read a Stephenie Meyer book first?

KAREN WILLIAMS: Would I still have my hearing?

KARMA GIRL: Sure. Why not?

KAREN WILLIAMS: The first. I can always listen to audio books.

QUESTION #3: Where can our readers find/stalk/follow us?

KAREN WILLIAMS: Well, they can follow us here on Doomtown. There’s also our Facebook and Twitter pages, but please don’t follow me just to sell me followers. Is there anything tackier?

KARMA GIRL: Is it as tacky as doing an interview with yourself? That’s pretty damn tacky, am I right?


KARMA GIRL: I mean, it’s like we aren’t even trying anymore.

KAREN WILLIAMS: Stop hitting yourself.

KARMA GIRL: Ha, ha, what-OW!


KARMA GIRL: You do realize you hit us both, right?

KAREN WILLIAMS: Still worth it.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Massage Time: What You Knead to Know to Become a Massage Therapist

Clients often ask me, "What did you have to do to become a massage therapist? You have to go to school for that kind of thing?" I, being the puckish lass that I am, usually reply with a long story somewhere on the level of the twelve labors of Hercules. Sometimes, ninjas are mentioned. After we've both had a good laugh, they'll ask again, "No, really. What did you have to do?" So I tell them, and they're usually surprised at the amount of schooling required to be licensed and certified. And that doesn't include what I have to do to keep same.

It's a time consuming and costly endeavor to become an MT. You have to know all the muscles in the body, where they're located, and what they do, but that's just the start. You also need to know when you can or cannot work on a client (contraindications). You need to take an ethics class, probably because most people equate massage with quotation marks around the word. As I've mentioned before, I don't do "massage". I do massage. Don't EVER get the two confused if you ever want to receive a massage from me.

Those are just a few of the things I had to learn in school, and that doesn't include my yearly continuing education classes (12 units every year). So, just in case you were wondering, here's a list of the classes I had to take for Delgado Community College's Massage Therapy Certification program. Remember this the next time you tip your therapist a mesely two bucks. You bastard:

Introduction to Therapeutic Massage

History and development of therapeutic massage. Includes medical terminology, ethics, hygiene, safety, body mechanics, SOAP notes, and Heart Saver CPR Certification.

Foundation for Swedish Techniques 

Full-body Swedish massage. Massages performed on student clients. Includes anatomy, draping, body mechanics, indications and contraindications, and development of care/ treatment plan.

Muscle/Skeletal Anatomy and Palpation Skills

Comprehensive study of skeletal and muscular systems. Focuses on recognition and palpation of bony landmarks and on origins, insertions, actions, and palpation of muscles.

Sports Massage

Concepts and practice of sports massage. Includes pertinent anatomy and physiology, tissue response to stimulation, and application of sports massage techniques. Emphasizes major stress points and contraindications.

Neuromuscular/Deep Tissue Therapy

Concepts and practice of neuromuscular/deep tissue therapy. Includes postural evaluation, tissue evaluation, and trigger point palpation; discusses nerve compression and entrapments, ischemia, and stages of rehabilitation.

Fundamentals of Traditional Chinese Medicine

Concepts and techniques of traditional Chinese medicine. Includes 12 meridians, yin and yang, chi energy, the five elements, shiatsu, and acupressure.

Pathology for Massage Therapy

Recognition of human diseases. Develops practical understanding of when bodywork is indicated. Includes infirmities to which bodywork should not be applied.

Business/Ethics/Law in Massage Therapy Practice

Basic information necessary for massage practice. Discusses self-employment, target clientele, management, professional ethics, and business structure. Communicates state law relating to the practice of massage.

Topics for Special Populations

Current issues in massage therapy. Topics include the abused client, infant and child massage, the physically and/or psychologically challenged client, reflexology, aromatherapy, healing touch, hydrotherapy, and the elderly client.

Massage Therapy Clinical I - III

Application of massage techniques on public clientele. Setting appointments, professional appearance, draping techniques, recordkeeping are included under instructor’s supervision.

Human Anatomy and Physiology I - II

Systemic survey of human body. Emphasizes structure, function, and chemical mechanisms.

Human Anatomy and Physiology Laboratory I - II

Hands-on experience in microscopy. Dissection required.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Doomtown Theater Presents: Zombeavers

The so-bad-it's-good genre of movie is a hard one to pull off. Usually when it happens, the creator of the film is going for serious drama, not laughs. Some film makers are willing to accept this type of thing in stride. Mountains of money will do wonders for loss of dignity.

Pictured above: Sweet consolation.

I'm not sure what the creators of Zombeavers were going for. Either they were attempting to make a SBIG horror story like Sharknado, or they were honestly hoping for a Cabin in the Woods style of horror. It's hard to say. Either way, they failed. The plot and the truly terrible special effects could have worked for SBIG, but the characters weren't funny, unintentional or otherwise. They were irritating, and I prayed for their deaths just to get them to shut up. The dialogue seemed like the writers were trying for unintentional humor, but most of the "jokes" fell flat. Zombeavers had its moments and might have been improved with better editing and some changes to the script, but as is, I wouldn't pay money for a ticket to see the sequel if ever there is one. Not even for a live-tweet review.

Unfortunately, I can't unwatch the first movie. So without further ado, here's this month's Doomtown Theater.

Sunday, June 07, 2015

Lazy Time Reblog Sunday: Doomtown

I know what you're thinking. Picking a post from my own blog goes beyond lazy and straight into lackadaisical nihilism, but there's a method to my apathy. This Wednesday, I'll be celebrating Doomtown's ten year anniversary. Because I'm lazy, I probably won't do anything more taxing then put up a few extra posts, order a pizza, and break open the bottle of Champagne I bought on clearance. Because I know how to party. Ha.

So, in honor of ten years (nonconsecutive in the case of 2007 and 2010) of socially awkward ranty goodness, here is Doomtown's very first post entitled, Welcome to My Hell. The title says it all. Enjoy!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Welcome To My Hell

I promised myself I would never stoop to starting one of these damn things. As a kid, I had an obsession with unfinished diaries. I would see one at a book store, ooh and ahh over the thing. I would buy it. I would keep it for a week, tops. Then I would throw it in my bedroom closet to be forgotten until sometime in the next decade when I bothered to clean my room. There I would find it rotting with a dozen other journals, diaries, and notebooks chock full of the same old whiny crap kids write when they're in the mood to write instead of burning their retinas watching hours of television. And boy was I ever an angsty little punk! If you're good(and I get drunk or stupid)I might post a few excerpts from my embarrassing past.

"Dear Diary, I have a white girl afro perm now...sigh."

Chances are, this blog will be just as whiny. The only difference between a sixteen year old Karma Girl and a twenty-year old Karma Girl is that instead of bitching about school, acne, and the "incredible pain of being" she will be bitching about work, her sagging ass, and the "incredible pain of being annoyed". Be prepared.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Feature Interview: Larry L. Gegenheimer Jr., Professional Ass Kicker

Larry Gegenheimer Jr., 3rd Degree Black Belt
The Usual Unusual Disclaimer: The beatings will continue until moral improves.

Karma Girl: According to your Facebook profile, you are a martial arts instructor at Kuk Sool Won of Gretna. What is Kuk Sool Won, and where did you learn it? Bonus points if your answer is Shaolin monks!

Larry: Shaolin monks are Chinese. Kuk Sool is a Korean art.  I learned it in Terrytown (a far cry from Shaolin monasteries).  It is a traditional art that encompasses every martial art Korea has.  Our Grand Master put all that he learned into one system and called it Kuk Sool which means National Martial Art.  It is recognized as Korea's national martial art.

Karma Girl: Your Facebook profile also states your profession as Case Manager/Misdemeanor Probation Officer. I assume you deal with criminals, and if so, do your two jobs ever intermesh? Is there a 24th Judicial District Court fight montage floating around somewhere on YouTube?

Larry:  No.  I thought I may have needed it once or twice because someone was getting belligerent with one of the women I work with, but they calmed down and left.  We also have the Gretna Police in the building for security, so most people don't want to push the envelope with cops nearby.

Karma Girl: What was the hardest thing about learning Kuk Sool Won? Did it involve meditating under waterfalls and fighting bears?

Larry: The hardest thing was balancing on my titanium leg.  I had to go back to physical therapy for months to learn how to balance long enough to bring my other leg up, then step back down again.

Karma Girl: How did you lose the leg? Other than balance, how do you think it has affected your martial arts?

Larry: A car hit me on the sidewalk when I left from work.  I was waiting on the corner to cross the street when one car was trying to beat the light and the other was anticipating the change.  They collided and one ricocheted off and hit me. I can do most of the moves in the art but for the few things I can't do, I just modify it a bit and continue on with what I need to do. An example: one of the black belt forms has a cartwheel in it.  It's supposed to be done leading with the left hand because when you come out of the cartwheel your left leg should be in front. I can only do the cartwheel leading with my right hand, so I do it that way and take an extra step forward to get in the correct stance.

Karma Girl: How often do you fight ninjas?

Larry: Haven't come across any ninjas yet.

Karma Girl: What rank (belt) are you currently, and what will you have to do to get the next rank? Meditate with bears and fight waterfalls?

Larry: I'm a third degree black belt.  I was supposed to start testing for fourth already but I didn't have the testing fee.  The tests are a minimum of two hours, and there is a minimum of 8 tests.

This is the part of the interviewing process I like to call The Serious Three. It includes a series of three ineradicably striking, unbelievably staid questions. You are obligated to answer them as seriously as possible.

Larry: I'll do my best. 

Question #1: Please fill in the blanks:
Everybody was Kung Fu ___. Those kicks were fast as ___. In fact, it was a little bit ___. But they fought with expert ___.

Larry: Fighting, lightning, frightening, timing. Yes I know the words to the song.

Question #2: How would you go about snatching the pebble from Master Po’s hand?

Larry: Grab the pressure point in the forearm which would paralyze his arm for a second and then use that moment to snatch it.

Question #3: Where can worthy disciples go to learn the ways of Kuk Sool Won (Facebook page, twitter, address of that Kuk Sool Won monastery of awesomeness)?

Larry: 835 Gretna Blvd. in Gretna (of course).

Karma Girl: Thanks, Larry! And remember…BOOT TO THE HEAD!

Larry: Larry: I like to sweep the leg.  I use the titanium one to do that.