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Showing posts from May, 2014

Left Behind: Nicolas Cage Needs a Paycheck

A lot of people are saying Nicolas Cage has hit rock bottom with his newest movie Left Behind, but I think those are just the ones that have never seen Vampire's Kiss. Even so, it doesn't strike me as the high point of the man's career, and from the looks of the trailer, neither does Cage. For someone who's supposed to be playing the main character, he doesn't figure prominently in the trailer.




You see Cassi Thomson (who plays his daughter, Chloe Steele) more than you see him. It's almost like he's ashamed to be associated with the whole thing and just wants to be left in peace so he can cash his paycheck and pay off the IRS like a good little boy.

If you're aiming to tar and feather me, please take a cue from Cheri Oteri.



I'm not hating on Nic Cage or even on rapture movies in general. I still remember with goofy fondness the Thief movies they used to show when I attended church in my wacky Christian youth. Yes, dear readers. I used to be a born again…

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein.

But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as...

1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN

I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely gassy meal right before climbing onto my tab…