Saturday, May 31, 2014

Left Behind: Nicolas Cage Needs a Paycheck

A lot of people are saying Nicolas Cage has hit rock bottom with his newest movie Left Behind, but I think those are just the ones that have never seen Vampire's Kiss. Even so, it doesn't strike me as the high point of the man's career, and from the looks of the trailer, neither does Cage. For someone who's supposed to be playing the main character, he doesn't figure prominently in the trailer.

You see Cassi Thomson (who plays his daughter, Chloe Steele) more than you see him. It's almost like he's ashamed to be associated with the whole thing and just wants to be left in peace so he can cash his paycheck and pay off the IRS like a good little boy.

If you're aiming to tar and feather me, please take a cue from Cheri Oteri.


I'm not hating on Nic Cage or even on rapture movies in general. I still remember with goofy fondness the Thief movies they used to show when I attended church in my wacky Christian youth. Yes, dear readers. I used to be a born again Christian. I was even able to walk into an actual church without bursting into flames. Whether that last statement still holds true today, I couldn't say, and I have no desire to test the theory.

I'm not hating on the books this film is based on, either. I like a good end of the world thriller as much as the next heathen, so I'm forced to admit that I burned through a good bit of the series before I got tired of all the proselytizing as I like my dystopian goodness sans soap box. All that preaching aside, the books were okay. Not Max Brooks good, but still entertaining enough to hold my attention for three or four books. If you were to ask me, however, what it was that kept me reading, I'd be at a loss to tell you. I don't remember much about the series other than the rapture takes place and Ray Steele, a nonbelieving pilot, is left behind with his equally nonbelieving daughter to endure the coming tribulation. Oh, and I think there's a journalist somewhere in there. And the anti-Christ, of course. Yeah, that guy. You know he's the anti-Christ right away because he's from one of those former godless commie countries and has a name that is so un-American, it's evident to any God-loving capitalist that he's the embodiment of all that is evil. Ironically, Ray's nagging, born again wife was a Christian and doesn't have to deal with any of that shit. Isn't that always the way?

For all my conservative Christian readers out there: A portrait of George Washington defeating Skynet while riding atop a bald eagle, courtesy of David Colarusso. You're welcome.

Will I pay to see the film when it comes out at the theater? I doubt it. I might see it later, though, when it's available for rental. Maybe I'll throw an End of the World party, invite a few friends, and veg out in front of the TV to Night of the Comet, World War Z, and A Thief in the Night. And, of course, Left Behind. I wonder how it will hold up against that group of campy badness. At the very least, I hope Nic makes enough money off the picture to pay for his son's therapy. With a name like Kal-El, the kid's going to need it.

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