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If I Had a Hammer...

I'm not sure if I should be worried, but I hate my customers. This in itself is no big shock. Hell, I'd be worried if I actually started liking the whiney bitches. But lately it's gotten bad. It's gotten real bad. It's gotten so bad that every time I have to deal with these losers, I hear Peter, Paul, and Mary singing If I Had a Hammer over and over again while images of me shooting blackjack players execution style in front of a quaint little Mexican church dance inside my head. If you have never watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, you won't get the reference on this one so rent it. It was very entertaining.

I'm not saying that I'm going to start picking off the casino clientele one by one with a rifle from atop a clock tower or anything, but I do worry that someday I'll say something that will get me fired. Something like the truth. I often fantasize what I'd tell my players if I didn't need this job. Like, to all those people that complain that I'm taking their FEMA money. I'd tell them they should be happy the government was stupid enough to give them a check in the first place and that I see taking their unearned dough divine retribution for all of those poor saps who needed money from FEMA and didn't get it. You know, people who lost homes and stuff and were actually going to use that money to-perish the thought-rebuild? If you think I'm exaggerating about this, you're extremely naïve. The first week the casino opened after the evacuation that's all we heard: "You're taking my FEMA money bitch!"

Another phrase I often hear is, "You take my money, the least you can do is smile when you do it!" This and its sister phrase, "You don't have to smile when you take my chips. You look so happy to see me lose!" which is usually uttered on the next table. Sometimes I'll tell my players about this and I'll get a good laugh and they'll go on to say they didn't mean to bitch at me, but it's been a bad night. These are the players I learn to tolerate and even come to like. It's the players who don't get the joke, who don't learn to lighten up and enjoy the game that drive me crazy.

I think the type of player I hate most is the player that is getting good hands, is winning, but gripes because the rest of the table is losing. This drives me up the wall. I had this one player. She was up by close to a thousand dollars. The rest of the table was losing their ass. This woman couldn't lose, yet she complained about every hand because the people around her weren't winning, none of whom she knew personally. She came right out and said what a crappy dealer I was for making everyone lose. One of the other players looked her in the eye and said, "I don't know what the hell you're complaining about with that big stack of chips in front of you, but if you feel that bad about it, you can give me some of yours to play with, sweetie." The other players broke out laughing and she gave him the evil eye for the rest of the shoe.

I realize to the average person, these little pet peeves must seem childishly petty. I'm sure there are worse jobs out there and a lot of people would say that taking a little criticism every now and then comes with every job. I would agree if this didn't happen every day. On every table. Think about it. I deal with people who come in, most of whom will end up drunk before the night is over(drinks are free as long as you play) and expect to get something for nothing. They are so surprised when they realize casinos stay open for a reason. I deal with people who have threatened to meet me out in the parking lot after I get off of work to teach me a lesson. If you think this is just big talk from a losing player, think again. One of our floor supervisors found this out the hard way when he got mugged leaving one night in a parking lot that is supposed to be under 24 hour video surveillance!

Oh well. Let 'em try to mug me on one of my bad nights. Who ever does better have a gun because when Peter, Paul, and Mary start singing, somebody's going down, man! Somebody's going down!

"Ask me for a Black Jack one more goddamn time!"


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