Friday, August 01, 2014

"Meet Our Therapist"...Doomtown Style!

My boss has been getting on me to make a bio for Balance Spa's Facebook page for ages, and I've only just consented to do it. I had been putting it off mostly because doing so would require me to have a picture taken of myself. Having a picture taken of myself would require me to wear makeup. I could go without, but doing so would cause one of the seven seals to be opened therefore heralding the coming apocalypse. I hear a river in China recently turned to blood. I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I wouldn't make any long term plans if I were you.

For it has been foretold!
The bio was written by one of our lovely and talented receptionists, Rayme. For those of you wondering why I hadn't written the thing myself, read a few of my posts. You might notice a pattern. I can't seem to write anything serious without becoming sarcastic or goofy. That's just the way I roll. But I couldn't help tweaking Rayme's version just a bit to fit my own "fabulous" personality. Here is the one Rayme wrote:

Today on “Meet Our Therapist” we introduce you to Karen, one of our fabulous Massage Therapists. Karen explains that she received a gift certificate from her then boyfriend and now husband for a massage. She was so enthralled with the process and felt healed and relaxed by the experience so much so that she wanted to teach herself how to practice massage. She bought an instructional DVD, to get a grasp of the basics and then she enrolled in Delgado Community College’s Massage Therapy Program. Karen graduated in 2010 and has been passionately practicing massage ever since.

And here's mine:

Repent, ye sinners!
Today on "Meet our Therapist" we introduce you to Karen, one of our fabulous Massage Therapists. Just don't tell her how fabulous she is or she might get a bit full of herself and start making foolish demands like...shudder...asking for a "raise". Karen explains that she got into massage when her then boyfriend gave her a spa gift certificate for Christmas. Brimming forth with gratitude, she decided to buy an instructional DVD to teach her how to give her ever lovin' man a massage instead of forking over the cash to buy him a spa package. Mostly because she is incredibly cheap. The DVD entitled Massage Your Mate turned out to be a legitimate instructional and not porn as was initially believed, but she watched it anyway and came to the conclusion that becoming a massage therapist seemed a whole lot easier than her current job, a casino dealer at Boomtown Casino. At the very least, she figured, there would probably be less death threats. Because drunken gamblers losing their money are just so unreasonable. She enrolled in Delgado Community College instead of Blue Cliff because it was less expensive only to discover she would be forced to take a whole mess of biology prerequisites. In spite of a natural aversion to things floating around in formaldehyde, Karen soldiered on, passed her certification exam in 2010, and has been passionately practicing massage ever since. But not too passionately. Because she doesn't do that type of massage.
...Maybe it's a good thing they didn't let me do the bio.

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