Exposition and Scrotum Monsters...The Hobbit: A Review

Aha! Thought you'd heard the last of me, eh? Not today bitches! I promised a review before the end of time and by gum, you're going to get it.

Does it...does it shrink in cold weather?

So, what can I say about The Hobbit? It was alright, you know, for a close to 3 hour movie full of unpronounceable, hard to remember names for a group of characters whose unexpected journey seems to include lots and lots of exposition. And a monster with testicles on its chin. Yeah. That was creepy. I think I'd like to see it again-the movie, not the testicle monster-when it comes out on Blu-ray. I want to watch it in the privacy of my home where I have the luxury of pressing the pause button when I need to get up to pee. It'll also give me more time to decipher whatever the hell all those characters-don't ask me their names-were talking about. Maybe I need to reread the book or get some Spark Notes or something. Perhaps a graph would help. I don't know.

I had the same problem with Lord of The Rings, though I remember enjoying it more than The Hobbit. Having Viggo Mortensen play Aragorn probably helped quite a bit. Recently, I came across a parody movie trailer that pretty much summed up both films. Consider it a New Year's gift from me to all of my dear reader(s) out there. Enjoy:

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