Exposition and Scrotum Monsters...The Hobbit: A Review

Aha! Thought you'd heard the last of me, eh? Not today bitches! I promised a review before the end of time and by gum, you're going to get it.

Does it...does it shrink in cold weather?

So, what can I say about The Hobbit? It was alright, you know, for a close to 3 hour movie full of unpronounceable, hard to remember names for a group of characters whose unexpected journey seems to include lots and lots of exposition. And a monster with testicles on its chin. Yeah. That was creepy. I think I'd like to see it again-the movie, not the testicle monster-when it comes out on Blu-ray. I want to watch it in the privacy of my home where I have the luxury of pressing the pause button when I need to get up to pee. It'll also give me more time to decipher whatever the hell all those characters-don't ask me their names-were talking about. Maybe I need to reread the book or get some Spark Notes or something. Perhaps a graph would help. I don't know.

I had the same problem with Lord of The Rings, though I remember enjoying it more than The Hobbit. Having Viggo Mortensen play Aragorn probably helped quite a bit. Recently, I came across a parody movie trailer that pretty much summed up both films. Consider it a New Year's gift from me to all of my dear reader(s) out there. Enjoy:

Comments

Feature Interview: Lauren Scharhag

Lauren Scharhag is the author of such books as Our Miss Engel , Order of the Four Sons series, La Tutayegua , Under Julia , and West Side Girl & Other Poems . She has won the Gerard Manley Hopkins award for poetry. Ms. Scharhag hails from Kansas City where she lives with her husband and three cats, but not a dog named Toto. Because that would just be silly. LAUREN: Yes, especially since I live in Missouri and not Kansas. KARMA GIRL: Before we start, I'm going to give you my usual Unusual Disclaimer: Silent tongue is filled With questions yet to be asked Interview begins Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lauren. LAUREN: Thanks for having me. KG: Tell us about yourself. You live in Missouri now, but according to your bio you grew up in Kansas City. What was it like growing up there and have you ever dropped a house on someone's sister? LAUREN: Actually, Kansas City is in Missouri as well as Kansas-- it's the older, original KC. I had a pre...

"Meet Our Therapist"...Doomtown Style!

My boss has been getting on me to make a bio for Balance Spa's Facebook page for ages, and I've only just consented to do it. I had been putting it off mostly because doing so would require me to have a picture taken of myself. Having a picture taken of myself would require me to wear makeup. I could go without, but doing so would cause one of the seven seals to be opened therefore heralding the coming apocalypse. I hear a river in China recently turned to blood . I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I wouldn't make any long term plans if I were you. For it has been foretold! The bio was written by one of our lovely and talented receptionists, Rayme. For those of you wondering why I hadn't written the thing myself, read a few of my posts. You might notice a pattern. I can't seem to write anything serious without becoming sarcastic or goofy. That's just the way I roll. But I couldn't help tweaking Rayme's ver...

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein. But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as... 1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely ...

Doomtown

Search This Blog