Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Yoga Meetings and the Importance of Bathroom Breaks

I've discovered a new yoga stance. It's called the Pee-Pee Stance. To perform the first posture in this stance, squeeze your thighs together hard enough to make diamonds from coal. The next posture requires you to bite your lip while furtively peeking at the exits. The final posture: runner's stance. This is followed by a mad dash through the nearest exit while simultaneously hopping up and down, searching a maze of halls for a bathroom...or, in pinch, a potted plant.

Not one of the most comfortable yoga positions out there, but still...could be worse.

I started working at a spa in a hotel in New Orleans a couple weeks ago and today marked my first meeting. Unfortunately, this meeting was held at eight in the morning and we were all supposed to arrive at 7:45. I was running late, but not too late to drink a huge ass mug of coffee. Because there's always time for coffee. Always. I made it there at 7:45 on the dot, considered myself lucky that my boss had yet to show, and pleasantly conversed with my coworkers until the boss lady arrived to lead us up to one of the hotel boarding rooms on the twentieth floor. Once there, she introduced us to a young woman with long red hair-a yoga instructor-and told us as a special surprise, we would start the meeting with calming breathing exercises. The meeting started around 8:00 A.M. My coffee kicked in five seconds later. It kicked me right in the fucking bladder.

I sat there for the next fifteen to twenty minutes squeezing my thighs together whilst trying not to laugh every time the woman told us to visualize our hearts desire. I probably could have gotten up from my seat, tip-toed out the door, and explained my absence once the meeting was over, but this was my first meeting in a new job and I really didn't want to stand out. Because squirming in my seat like a four year old while peering longingly at the door wasn't going to raise any eyebrows.

Lucky for me boss lady needed something from the spa, giving me a chance to make a break for it. Once my Agnostic ass hit the nearest toilet seat, my eyes turned to heaven thanking whatever entity or supreme ruler might be listening, and wishing I had a stop watch on me.

 I'm pretty sure I beat Tom Hank's Record.


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