Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My Resolution to Make Resolutions: The Paradox Ends Tonight!

Every year since I turned thirty, I have made the same New Year's resolution: No making of New Year's resolutions. As resolutions go, it's a pretty easy one to keep. Or not, since its paradoxical nature ensures at least a tiny rip in the delicate fabric of the space-time continuum. What can I say? I love creating small paradoxes. When I was younger, my resolutions were more mundane. Stop eating so much junk food. Exercise more. Stop pining over celebrities I have little to no chance of meeting in real life and even less chance of ensnaring with my womanly wiles.

Mel Gibson while I was undergoing puberty.

 



Mel after puberty...Resolution achieved!
 
The funny thing is, I never kept these resolutions until I stopped bothering to try. I gave up junk food one cookie and pastry at time. It wasn't a resolution made on New Year's Eve, but a decision made months later after taking a hard look in the mirror and realizing my eating habits had to change now or they never would. This point was driven home when I took a gander at my Disney vacation pics. They say the camera adds ten pounds to your picture, and the cameras at Disney World were especially generous to me. I had already given up sweets and fast food. After looking at myself in Stay Puft Marshmallow form, I made it a point to exercise daily as well. I lost fifty pounds. I've kept it off, but the stress of losing one job and acclimating myself to another has caused me to backslide a bit. It's time for a tightening of the reins and, if Dr. Mike Evans is to be believed, now is the time to do it.
 
According to Evans, New Year's resolutions are more likely to be achieved by people who "self-monitor" as opposed to those who try utilizing "self-control". This means minimizing temptation as opposed to fighting it on a daily basis. For example, if you're trying to give up drinking, don't visit your neighborhood bar expecting to win the excruciating battle between choosing a club soda over a gin and tonic. Staying out of the bar is easier. And if you're invited to a party where you know alcohol is going to be served, ask the host if there will be any "virgin" beverage options. Preparing ahead of time makes the battle so much easier to fight.
 
So what are my resolutions this year? Will I bother to make any? Yeah, I think I'll give it a shot. Here's my list:
 
1. Continue to eat healthy. I'm already doing this, but there's still room for improvement. I need to start bringing my own lunch to work since the cafeteria isn't always diet friendly. And, you know, when the meat they leave out is a weird pink color and you can't figure out what animal it came from even after you've bitten into it...probably not a good sign.
 
2. Renew my promise to exercise. I have no excuse for this one. The spa I work at has a fitness center where I can work out for free. I've been dying to use the pool and the dry sauna too. Although, the thought of me being seen in a bathing suit by my coworkers is not my idea of positive motivation.
 
3. Finish my damn novel. NaNoWriMo jump started my ass, but I haven't written much since the end of November. Maybe if I impose a minimum word limit to my day? Say, 1,000 words? Maybe I'll get it finished before the end of the year as opposed to sometime when I'm wearing Depends.
 
4. Keep up with my blog. This is one I would have actually kept if I had made it last year. For the first time since I started Doomtown, I have made at least two entries every month for the past year. No. I misspoke. It's been over a year-since November 2012, at least. Quite an achievement for someone who couldn't keep a diary for more than a week.
 
5. Spend more time with my man. This isn't about the rock he gave me. Honest. It's just that as I get older, I start to appreciate that our time on this planet is finite. No one lives for ever. Not you. Not me. Not the people we love. Best to make a point of appreciating the time we have with them now lest we regret not doing so in the future.
 
Those are my resolutions for the New Year. We'll have to wait and see if I keep any of them. And to the rest of you making resolutions, I wish you the best of luck and please remember to keep the space-time continuum intact while you're at it. We kind of need that thing.
 
*Special thanks to Gerald for pointing out that "Mel Brooks" and "Mel Gibson" are two different people. Sometimes I think I need a designated editor. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there: Write drunk. Edit Sober. 


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