If the internet has taught me anything over the years, it's this: No matter how unattractive you think you are, no matter how homely you might be, there will always be that one pervert who will whack off to your profile picture and beg you for cyber sex in a Facebook private message chat. And chances are, this pervert will misspell everything he types and mangle the English language beyond recognition. I consider myself an understanding, open minded person. People get lonely. I get that. If you never ask, you'll never know. But when someone tells you they're married and not interested in your need to "take out sperm", you should take what they say at face value and try to hit up someone else. Especially when they tell you they have a history of blogging morons who won't take no for an answer. Case in point:
|If this man tries to friend you...|
Being NiladriSekhar Ghosh: Hello
Karma Girl: Hello
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: Wassup
Karma Girl: Goofing off on Facebook and waiting for my husband to come home from work.
*Authors Note: Yeah, I knew what he was fishing for and hoped to head things off by mentioning I was already married. I don't know why I ever think this will make a difference.*
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: ohhh so nicee do u have children
*Author's Note: Another red flag. For some reason, they always ask me this, and I never know how to answer. If I say yes, will they leave me alone? Should I make up fake kids to go along with my very real husband? Can I really afford to have fake kids at my age? Fake schooling is so expensive these days.*
Karma Girl: Not yet.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: oh. what do you mens work
what is your work
what is your job?
Karma Girl: *This is around the time I start wishing I could at least attract perverts with better English skills.*
I don't understand what you just said. Are you asking if I do "men's" work or did you misspell "means"? Either way, I don't comprehend. You will have to explain.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: what is your job?
Karma Girl: Massage therapist.
*As soon as I typed this, I knew it was a mistake.*
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: what massage you do?
Karma Girl: Deep tissue, prenatal, Swedish, hot stone, and chair massage.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: whole body massage
Karma Girl: *Yep. Big mistake.*
Why do I have a feeling this conversation is going in a direction I'm not going to like? I follow the code of ethics laid down by the Louisiana Board of Massage Therapy. I don't do happy ending. I don't touch egg roll. No suki suki now.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: what you like
Karma Girl: I like truth, justice, and the American way...and cookies, but I've been trying to stay away from those.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: y u dnt like that
Karma Girl: *I should have added that I like men who type whole phrases without me wanting to type "?".*
I'm afraid you'll have to be more clear in your typing. I can't understand what you're saying.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: okkk. so what you dont like?
Karma Girl: I don't like lack of clarity and stealthy debauchery via an internet exchange. And mushrooms. I hate those too.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: oh...can we be friends
Karma Girl: "Friends" as in "Facebook friends"? Sure, why not.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: thank you
Karma Girl: Yep. Already have you on my Facebook friends list, so that takes care of that.
*Don't ask me to cyber. Don't ask me to cyber.*
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: tell something about yourself
Karma Girl: *Stop jumping to conclusions, Karen. Maybe he just wants to learn about different cultures. Like a pen pal thing. On Facebook. Yeah...just in case, though...*
I love my husband. I love him soooo much, I can't wait for him to get home so I can tell him about the new friend I made.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: oh thank you very much
wanna say something
Karma Girl: *Don't ask me to cyber. Don't ask me to cyber.*
Say whatever you want.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: so what you think about sex chat
*This is around the time I posted on my timeline: "I'm having déjà vu. Facebook déjà vu."*
what is meaning of deja vu
Karma Girl: I'll have to ask my husband about that. Speaking of which, what is your address? The last time I asked him about "sex chat", he demanded to know who was asking. He tracked the guy down and everything...funny, I never heard from him again....nobody did...weird.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: if u dont mind can we have a sex chat
dont ask you husband please
Karma Girl: Wow. You're...really not good at catching the nuances of a conversation, are you? Maybe you should read my blog before you ask that question. Try starting on this blog post. Also, I tell my husband everything. EVERYTHING: http://doomtown-doomtown.blogspot.com/2013/09/facebook-pm-mating-call.html
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: can we have sex chat please?
Karma Girl: *...*
Did you read the blog article?
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: half i read
Karma Girl: And what did you get out of that?
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: you are very good girl. straight forward and you love your husband
Karma Girl: *By George, I think he's got it!*
Exactly. So what do you think that means in regards to your last question?
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: i just want to have a sex chat because i have to take out sperm
just once &no more please reply
Karma Girl: ...Wow....no one's ever used that line on me. I have to admit it's very direct. You get points for that, but I'm thinking, no. No, I do not want to have a "sex chat" with you. You should know, I'm probably going to unfriend you for being so presumptuous as to think I would have a "sex chat" with you when I've already told you I'm a married woman who shares everything with my husband. I might even blog this. You...you might want to be prepared for that too, sweetie.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: just 5questions i will ask & you give the answer please
Karma Girl: As long as they're not sexy questions, sure. I'll bite.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: are you ready
Karma Girl: Sure.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: What is Your bikini size
Karma Girl: *sigh*
You really are a stupid, stupid man, aren't you, Niladri?
*Insert long pause here*
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: just say na
*Insert long pause here*
Karma Girl: Oh, I'm sorry. I was busy transcribing this conversation on Word. The answer to your question is, no, I won't tell you my bikini size. Next question.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: What is your bra &underwear size & colour please reply
Karma Girl: That's more than one question. The answer is still no.
Maybe I should just use the print screen button and copy this on Paint. What do you think Niladri?
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: why are you so sexy
Karma Girl: Why are you so thick? *after a moment's thought...* I didn't mean that in a sexual way, by the way.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: say me the answers please
Karma Girl: me the answers please
*Well, if he can be an asshole...*
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: what colour bra & underwear you wear
Karma Girl: I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to have a sex chat with you. I do believe I told you I would answer any questions you wanted so long as they weren't of a sexual nature. Tell me, Niladri, did you fall on your head as a child or are we just having problems with translation? Hmmm?
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: you can ask me questions
Karma Girl: I just did. Did you fall on your head? I hear brain damage can be a real bitch.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: no brain damage will u fuck me
Karma Girl: No. No, Niladri. I will not fuck you. Would you like me to tell you this in your native tongue? Perhaps sign language? Google translate will only take us so far, apparently.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: suck my penis suck my penis
Karma Girl: I believe I've spent the past half hour telling you that I will not, in fact, do such a thing. You're really bad at taking a hint. On the plus side, my next blog article is going to be interesting.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: listen this is my first sex chat dont know what to say whn can you teach me a little please
Karma Girl: Here's a pro tip for you: When the person you ask for a sex chat says no, you should stop trying to have a sex chat with them.
*By now, Darren had called me on my cell to let me know he was on his way home from work. Naturally, I asked him for help regarding my current English-mangling, tenacious Don Juan. His advice was priceless, as always.*
Also my husband says I should tell you I don't play with small toys.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: kkkkkk can u teach me please
Karma Girl: *The amusement factor had long ago worn off. I was getting hungry, and my hubby wanted to go out to get something to eat. It was time to end this. Time to be direct.*
Go away, Niladri.
Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: kkk soryy
*And just as I was rolling my eyes and thinking, "Wow! All it took was a brick for him to take the hint!"*
can i make you my sister if u dont mind
Karma Girl: *After another long pause...* Why are you hell bent on making me hate you, Niladri?