Massage Time: What's In Your SpaB

I hate out calls, and not just because of the seedy connotations the term brings up. Just google the word, and you'll see what I mean.

No, I will not "enlarge" so you can take down Cassie's digits. Pervert.

For those of you not "looking for a good time", an outcall is when the massage therapist comes to you. My spa offers this service (The legal kind. Not the happy ending type.). My boss won't force a therapist to do an outcall, but seeing as you get half the amount of the massage plus gratuity, it's a damn tempting offer. Still, it's the type of work I dread for various reasons.

First, there's the hassle of schlepping a portable table to the clients location. This isn't so bad if they're located at the same hotel as the spa, but if they're staying at the Ritz or Harrah's or any of the dozen or so hotels in the area, I have to worry about transporting the thing across town. This isn't fun, especially when my boss gets the address wrong. This nearly happened to be the last time I went out on an outcall. If we hadn't called the client to confirm the time, I would have had to roll that thing two blocks and back.

The second thing I hate about outcalls is the fact that I'm usually going in blind. If the client isn't a regular, they could be the Jack the Ripper of poor tippers for all I know. I won't take a client who isn't a spa regular or someone my coworkers don't know and trust. I'm going to have to get over this fear real quick since I've recently decided to take outside work. Most, if not all, of the clients I get will be outcalls. Guess I'm going to have to include pepper spray as an aromatherapy choice.

That asshole isn't even licensed. Someone call the LBMT!

But the thing I hate the most is that I never feel fully prepared. When I do a massage at work or at home, I have everything I need right there. I have my oils and sports creams. I have my mind-numbing spa music. I have a clock. That's right. A fucking clock, people. That last outcall, I couldn't find a clock anywhere, and this was a two hour massage. I could have asked if he had one in his bedroom, but the last time this happened (yes, this has happened before), the client was flabbergasted that I had come so unprepared. Because only she was allowed to be a luddite. It was only luck that his hotel was located right next to the spa's location, and I was able to quickly retrieve my phone. Because, of course, I forgot that too. Which would have come in handy if he had been Jack the Ripper.

This is when I got to thinking about zombies. Stay with me on this one. It's relevant to the topic, I promise. There's this website called The Zombie Squad that I used to read religiously. These guys are survivalists that like to make things fun by preparing for any crisis as if it were the coming zombie apocalypse. No, they don't really believe in zombies. Probably. But they came to the conclusion long ago that you could get more people to prepare for any eventuality (hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, Black Friday sales, etc...) by adding zombies to it. Because zombies are awesome when they're not eating your face off.

And they won't be doing that. Not if you're prepared. Just saying.

But I digress.

I thought of the Zombie Squad because one of the things those guys loved to talk about was how they organized their BOBs, or bug-out bags. For those of you who think the best way to prepare for an emergency is to stock up on Ramen and hurricane candles, a BOB is a bag loaded with stuff that you might need while evacuating your home from a disaster lasting a couple days (sometimes more). I thought it would be nifty if I had such a bag, but instead of ramen and zombie repellent spray, I would have spa stuff in my spa bag. I have decided to call this invention a SpaB. I'm so creative, I know.

My SpaB will include the following:

1. A freaking clock. Very important that.

2. A portable music player. I could use my phone, but I don't have unlimited data.

3. Oil or sports cream. Preferably nut-free for clients with allergies. Please don't make an inuendo out of that.

4. Linens. I usually stuff these in my table bag, but there's barely enough room for that and my headrest.

5. Client intake forms.

6. A check list to make sure I have all of the above items and replenish them after use.

After five years of licensed work, you would think I would have figured this thing out by now. But, as I said before, most of my work has been done in the home or at a spa, so cut me some slack here. I'm going to start working on my SpaB next week when I have the time. What do you guys think? Did I leave anything out? What would you put in your SpaB?

Um, probably not. I'd never fit that rifle in my bag. The 9mm, however...