Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Doomtown Feature Interview: The Crazy Homeless Guy on the Corner of Poydras and South Claiborne Avenue


I was driving to work one day, trying to think of a good interview subject, when I happened upon a homeless guy standing on the corner of Poydras Street. He was holding a sign warning of the dangers of a coming Martian invasion, and begging for money. To be fair, I'm not sure if Mr. Shazam Dynamite-the name he gave me-is truly one of the city's disenfranchised. He claimed to have a home and plenty to eat but needed the money for the spaceship he is building to escape the "Red Menace". Here's the scoop I was able to get from him while waiting for the light to turn green.

Karma Girl: Can you tell me how you ended up here?

Shazam Dynamite: Took the bus.

KG: I meant how you came to be at such a low point in your life, but sure. What's up with the sign?

Shaz: The Meanies, they follow me, but I'm too smart for them. Gave 'em the slip.

KG: The Meanies?

Shaz: The Red Meanies. The Red Menace.

KG: ...Communists?

Shaz: (Gives me an irritated groan) No, you idiot! I think of Mars. It will be our destruction, make no mistake!

KG: Okay then. Why are the Martians going to attack us? I hear they have water now, so what's the deal?

Shaz: The water story is a lie, a ruse made up by our red planet oppressors. They try to give us a false sense of calm, but I'm on to them. Oh yes.

KG: They want our water, you're saying?

Shaz: (Looks at me like I'm crazy) Don't be foolish. They want our women. They need to procreate with humans to make a super race of beings that will wipe us all out by the year 2050. It's been foretold.

KG: Where?

Shaz: Where what?

KG: Where has it been foretold? Who foretold this?

Shaz: It has been foretold by the ancients.

KG: That's not very helpfull, but sure. Tell me about your name. Where did you come up with Shazam Dynamite? Did you make it, up or did your parents lose a bet?

Shaz: It was given to me.

KG: By your parents?

Shaz: By the guardians of the world beyond.

KG: You're godparents?

Shaz: They are guardians, not Gods. But it is good of you to say so.

KG: What are you planning to do with the money you collect?

Shaz: I will build a transportation device to send the women of this planet to a safe destination beyond the stars.

KG: That might be tricky. Lot of women on this planet. What if they don't want to come?

Shaz: (Shrugs) You can't save every gilt from the farmer's axe nor can you force every heiffer to run from the slaughter house. It has been said.

KG: Try not comparing women to farm animals. You'll get farther.

Shaz: You think?

KG: (I nod) Now we've come to the part of the interview process that I call THE SERIOUS THREE-

Shaz: Huh?

KG: In this segment, I ask you three deleriously dour, impressively serious questions. Are you ready, Shazam?

Shaz: ...This is an interview? Where are the cameras? (Fixes his hair)

Question #1: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Shaz: You're mocking me, aren't you?

KG: No.

Shaz: Okay. Well, I guess it would probably be around thirteen because of all the tentacles.

Question #2: What is the meaning of life?

Shaz: Be true to yourself. Also, farfegnugen.

Question #3: Where can my readers follow you?

Shaz: (Looks around suspiciously) Who's following me? You brought them right to me, didn't you?!?!

KG: Thank you, Mr. Dynamite for taking the time to answer my questions. (My light turns green. I hand him a five dollar bill.)

Shaz: (Face brightens up) Hey! Thanks, lady! I'll be sure to save a seat for you on the Evac ship.

(I quickly drive away....)

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