Doomtown Feature Interview: The Crazy Homeless Guy on the Corner of Poydras and South Claiborne Avenue
I was driving to work one day, trying to think of a good interview subject, when I happened upon a homeless guy standing on the corner of Poydras Street. He was holding a sign warning of the dangers of a coming Martian invasion, and begging for money. To be fair, I'm not sure if Mr. Shazam Dynamite-the name he gave me-is truly one of the city's disenfranchised. He claimed to have a home and plenty to eat but needed the money for the spaceship he is building to escape the "Red Menace". Here's the scoop I was able to get from him while waiting for the light to turn green.
Karma Girl: Can you tell me how you ended up here?
Shazam Dynamite: Took the bus.
KG: I meant how you came to be at such a low point in your life, but sure. What's up with the sign?
Shaz: The Meanies, they follow me, but I'm too smart for them. Gave 'em the slip.
KG: The Meanies?
Shaz: The Red Meanies. The Red Menace.
Shaz: (Gives me an irritated groan) No, you idiot! I think of Mars. It will be our destruction, make no mistake!
KG: Okay then. Why are the Martians going to attack us? I hear they have water now, so what's the deal?
Shaz: The water story is a lie, a ruse made up by our red planet oppressors. They try to give us a false sense of calm, but I'm on to them. Oh yes.
KG: They want our water, you're saying?
Shaz: (Looks at me like I'm crazy) Don't be foolish. They want our women. They need to procreate with humans to make a super race of beings that will wipe us all out by the year 2050. It's been foretold.
Shaz: Where what?
KG: Where has it been foretold? Who foretold this?
Shaz: It has been foretold by the ancients.
KG: That's not very helpfull, but sure. Tell me about your name. Where did you come up with Shazam Dynamite? Did you make it, up or did your parents lose a bet?
Shaz: It was given to me.
KG: By your parents?
Shaz: By the guardians of the world beyond.
KG: You're godparents?
Shaz: They are guardians, not Gods. But it is good of you to say so.
KG: What are you planning to do with the money you collect?
Shaz: I will build a transportation device to send the women of this planet to a safe destination beyond the stars.
KG: That might be tricky. Lot of women on this planet. What if they don't want to come?
Shaz: (Shrugs) You can't save every gilt from the farmer's axe nor can you force every heiffer to run from the slaughter house. It has been said.
KG: Try not comparing women to farm animals. You'll get farther.
Shaz: You think?
KG: (I nod) Now we've come to the part of the interview process that I call THE SERIOUS THREE-
KG: In this segment, I ask you three deleriously dour, impressively serious questions. Are you ready, Shazam?
Shaz: ...This is an interview? Where are the cameras? (Fixes his hair)
Question #1: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Shaz: You're mocking me, aren't you?
Shaz: Okay. Well, I guess it would probably be around thirteen because of all the tentacles.
Question #2: What is the meaning of life?
Shaz: Be true to yourself. Also, farfegnugen.
Question #3: Where can my readers follow you?
Shaz: (Looks around suspiciously) Who's following me? You brought them right to me, didn't you?!?!
KG: Thank you, Mr. Dynamite for taking the time to answer my questions. (My light turns green. I hand him a five dollar bill.)
Shaz: (Face brightens up) Hey! Thanks, lady! I'll be sure to save a seat for you on the Evac ship.
(I quickly drive away....)