Skip to main content

Beware the Hummer

I am slowly being driven insane. The other night, the Hummer sat at one of my tables. I'm a black jack dealer, in case you haven't read my profile. I've been dealing the swing shift for two years now. You meet the most interesting customers on swing shift. There's a woman who comes in that we have dubbed "the troll" due to her short stature and the fact that she's ugly to everyone, customers or dealers alike. There's a guy we call "the black Don Juan", because he's African American(duh) and every time he comes in he offers sexual favors to one of our floor supervisors-much to her chagrin. And, of course, there is the man I like to call "the hummer" who looks like what Hitler's older autistic brother would have looked like if Hitler had an older autistic brother. Greasy hair, a funny mustache, and a blank expression.

The thing that really irritates me about this guy is that he sits at a table, taps his knee vigorously shaking everyone's chips, and hums. Continuously. One long, annoying hum. He'll break long enough to mumble, "Unbelievable!" under his breath after losing a hand. Because there's nothing more unbelievable than losing your money in a casino. Somebody call Ripley's Believe It or Not.

You would think I'd be used to the crazies after two years of dealing to them and with them, but for some reason this man brings out the homicidal maniac in me. I don't talk ugly to him or anything that would get me fired, but whenever I see him, I imagine myself lifting the lid of my chip tray and beating him senseless with it.

It makes me realize I could never have a career in espionage. If I were caught by the other side all they'd have to do would be to flash that bright light in my face and have an interrogator hum at me. Beat me, cut off both my nipples, dip my head in frying grease. Nothing would get me to spill my guts quicker than hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Unbelievable!

 

"No, seriously. I'll take the deep fryer. Just...make that bastard shut up!"

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feature Interview: Lauren Scharhag

Lauren Scharhag is the author of such books as Our Miss Engel , Order of the Four Sons series, La Tutayegua , Under Julia , and West Side Girl & Other Poems . She has won the Gerard Manley Hopkins award for poetry. Ms. Scharhag hails from Kansas City where she lives with her husband and three cats, but not a dog named Toto. Because that would just be silly. LAUREN: Yes, especially since I live in Missouri and not Kansas. KARMA GIRL: Before we start, I'm going to give you my usual Unusual Disclaimer: Silent tongue is filled With questions yet to be asked Interview begins Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lauren.   LAUREN: Thanks for having me. KG: Tell us about yourself. You live in Missouri now, but according to your bio you grew up in Kansas City. What was it like growing up there and have you ever dropped a house on someone's sister? LAUREN: Actually, Kansas City is in Missouri as well as Kansas-- it's the older, original KC. I had a pre...

"Meet Our Therapist"...Doomtown Style!

My boss has been getting on me to make a bio for  Balance Spa's Facebook page for ages, and I've only just consented to do it. I had been putting it off mostly because doing so would require me to have a picture taken of myself. Having a picture taken of myself would require me to wear makeup. I could go without, but doing so would cause one of the seven seals to be opened therefore heralding the coming apocalypse. I hear a river in China recently turned to blood . I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I wouldn't make any long term plans if I were you. For it has been foretold! The bio was written by one of our lovely and talented receptionists, Rayme. For those of you wondering why I hadn't written the thing myself, read a few of my posts. You might notice a pattern. I can't seem to write anything serious without becoming sarcastic or goofy. That's just the way I roll. But I couldn't help tweaking Rayme's ver...

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein. But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as... 1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely ...