Skip to main content

In the Beginning...

I'm working on the Agnostic version of the creation story. Here's what I have so far:

In the Beginning…testing…testing…one, two, three…Is this thing on?

In the Beginning the Great Scientist created the heavens and the earth…wait, I’m getting a big ahead of myself. Let’s try that again.

In the Beginning the universe was a void without form ruled by dark matter {for definition, see end notes document 13924, Tree of Knowledge (tm)}. And the Great Scientist said, Let there be a singularity. And there was a grand explosion or implosion depending on your point of view. And then there was light.

Gasses and particles expanded throughout the void colliding and commingling and dividing thus creating the nebulae and the stars. These stars combined and commingled creating the galaxies, creating the solar systems and all the satellites therein.

And thus the heavens were born and everything within the firmament. And the Great Scientist looked upon these conditions seeing these things were within the perimeters required and concluded, It is adequate.

This took many eons.

And the Great Scientist said, Let there be a star and revolving around this star let there be an accretion disc.

And out of this material many satellites were formed including the earth which collided into its sister satellite Theia {named after the Great Scientist’s ex-girlfriend in high school who did about as much damage} and from this the moon was formed, stabilizing the earth’s axis of rotation {proving that the philandering trollop was of some use after all}.



I am so going to hell for this one.

Comments

  1. Anonymous2:48 AM

    Maybe you're going to hell, but I like the path this story is taking, looking forward to the rest... :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just wait until I get to the three Eves portion of the story. All I can say is it's a good thing I'm agnostic.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein.

But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as...

1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN

I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely gassy meal right before climbing onto my tab…

Top 5 Things That Drive Your Massage Therapist Crazy

I recently read an article titled 8 Things Your Masseuse Doesn't Want You to Know. After reading it thoroughly, I've come to the conclusion that the LMT's (licensed massage therapists, for those of you not in the know) interviewed either haven’t been in the business for very long, or really hate their jobs. For example, one of the items mentioned that most massage therapists get scared when their clients snore. I don't buy that. I think if a client is relaxed enough to fall asleep on my table, I'm doing a damn fine job. Isn't snoring like applause for massage therapists? It is to me.
It got me to thinking of my own personal pet peeves though, so I tried googling Things Your LMT Hates or Things That Drive Your Masseuse to Drinking, but these searches provided no useful data, and quite frankly I’d like to know what insane, perverted monkey Google put in charge of their search engine for me to come up with this list:

Since Google failed me miserably, I thought I wou…

Facebook PM Mating Call 2: Take the Hint Perv

If the internet has taught me anything over the years, it's this: No matter how unattractive you think you are, no matter how homely you might be, there will always be that one pervert who will whack off to your profile picture and beg you for cyber sex in a Facebook private message chat. And chances are, this pervert will misspell everything he types and mangle the English language beyond recognition. I consider myself an understanding, open minded person. People get lonely. I get that. If you never ask, you'll never know. But when someone tells you they're married and not interested in your need to "take out sperm", you should take what they say at face value and try to hit up someone else. Especially when they tell you they have a history of blogging morons who won't take no for an answer. Case in point:






Being NiladriSekhar Ghosh: Hello

Karma Girl: Hello

Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: Wassup

Karma Girl: Goofing off on Facebook and waiting for my husband to come h…