Thursday, January 01, 2009

Genesis or Notes From the Tree of Knowledge(tm)

Started a new Blog from. It's the creation story...if the Creator were an evolutionist:

In the Beginning...
In the Beginning…testing…testing…one, two, three…Is this thing on?

In the Beginning the Great Scientist created the heavens and the earth…wait, I’m getting a big ahead of myself. Let’s try that again.

In the Beginning the universe was a void without form ruled by dark matter {for definition, see end notes document 13924, Tree of Knowledge (tm)}. And the Great Scientist said, Let there be a singularity.

And there was a grand explosion or implosion depending on your point of view. And then there was light.

Gasses and particles expanded throughout the void colliding and commingling and dividing thus creating the nebulae and the stars. These stars combined and commingled creating the galaxies, creating the solar systems and all the satellites therein.

And thus the heavens were born and everything within the firmament. And the Great Scientist looked upon these conditions seeing these things were within the perimeters required and concluded, It is adequate.

This took many eons.

And the Great Scientist said, Let there be a star and revolving around this star let there be an accretion disc.

And out of this material many satellites were formed including the earth which collided into its sister satellite Theia {named after the Great Scientist’s ex-girlfriend in high school who did about as much damage} and from this the moon was formed, stabilizing the earth’s axis of rotation {proving that the philandering trollop was of some use after all}.

And the Great Scientist called for the surface of the earth to cool and to solidify forming the land. He called the heavens atmosphere though it wasn’t very good and you really didn’t want to try to breathe it. He called forth great projectiles of water rich asteroids to collide with the earth. The water rich asteroids brought forth the substance of water and he called the water Oceans.

This took many millennia.

And the Great Scientist said, Let there the crust of the earth shift and divide the oceans and let the dry land appear. And it was so.

And the Great Scientist saw that it was adequate.

And then the Great Scientist said, Let there be self replicating molecules and DNA and RNA and let these molecules evolve. Let there be prokaryotes and eukaryotes and let there be photosynthesis.

And the Earth brought forth plantae and fungi and algae and the Great Scientist saw that it was adequate.

This took many eons and many, many eras.

Meanwhile, the Great Scientist kept his eyes upon the creatures of the seas and the oceans and said, Let the waters abundantly bring forth the swimming creature that it shall evolve into the creature which slithers upon the mud which shall evolve into the creature with webbed feet that can walk upon the land and swim within the waters.

Let the lizard like creatures evolve into all sorts of beasts that can roam the land and swim in the waters and glide through the atmosphere.

And the Great Scientists saw that it was all adequate.

And then came the Great Cataclysm, the Great Burning followed by the Great Freezing and many test subjects were lost.

The Great Scientist saw this and there was much annoyance followed by much more cursing and the stubbing of his toe from kicking his desk in his wrath. And when he had calmed down, he turned his attentions back to his work and recalibrated the experiment accordingly, saving what he could while vowing to learn how to use the back up sequence of the Tree of Knowledge ™ if it was the last thing he would do.

This took many more millennia.

And when the earth was renewed and the conditions recalibrated, then the Great Scientist said, Lets start over with the small hairy creatures this time.

And so it was under these conditions that certain mammals evolved to walk upon two legs, upon two legs walk upright they did. And they were given opposable thumbs with which to grasp items that they would use as tools…eventually…given time…the Great Scientist checked his notes and made this hypothesis.

And the Great Scientist said, Let this creature be called homo sapien and I shall make him in my own image, after mine own likeness, with sentience and intelligence and the ability to form words and ideas.

I shall place this creature in a protected environment with other animals and plantae that I shall make tame to keep the creature safe. Let’s see what shakes loose.

So the Great Scientist evolved man into his own image, in the image of the Great Scientist evolved he him. He started with the male.

Then things got…tricky.


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