Sunday, September 15, 2013

My Computer Is a Dirty, Dirty Whore

When I got off of work Friday night, I received a call from my boyfriend informing me that our child had come down with something nasty-our child being the computer in the back room, something nasty being nine viruses. Nine. How the hell does something like that happen? Porn, apparently, because it was the first thing he asked me when I walked through the door.

"You haven't been downloading porn on this computer, have you?" he said, serious as a heart attack. "I'm not mad at you if you did. You just gotta be more careful, is all I'm saying."

We have that kind of relationship. Sigh.

"You're asking ME?" I said, incredulous. "How often do you see me downloading that crap?"

"Well, I figured you might be doing it, you know, because of your...stories."

Yes, he said it in italics. I gave him a blank stare for all of five seconds before I remembered. I hadn't been downloading porn. I had been uploading it. I know what you're thinking, and if what you're thinking is an image of me naked in a kiddie pool full of Jello, doing the backstroke while the web cameras roll, you have a stronger stomach than I do. Excuse me while I hurl...

Okay. Better now.

No, I haven't become a porn star. I've been writing erotic literature. Which is to say, I've been writing porn. I'd like to say I did it because I was young and foolish and needed the money, but I'm not young. I am a huge fool, however, and I do indeed need the money, so there you go. I don't write under my real name or even my usual pen name, so don't bother searching for it. That secret will be buried with me, along with my Terry Pratchett collection-you know, just in case there's no free library in the afterlife.

I don't think my ho' literature has anything to do with the nine viruses on my computer, however. I publish through Smashwords, a site for all kinds of indie publishing, not just the bowchickabowwow type. No, I think my computer has been a naughty, naughty boy. I think he's been sneaking around in other people's hard drives, terabyting other diseased computers, messing around with slutty zip files he shouldn't be messing around with. I have no idea what a zip file is or a terabyte for that matter, but it sounds mildly erotic, which tells you all you need to know about how lucrative my porn writing career has been.

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