Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Facebook PM Mating Call

I have never considered myself particularly attractive, but recently I’ve found myself to be the object of lust by a multitude of people-men and woman both-who think I’m all that and a bag of Doritos. Where do these guys find me? Facebook, that’s where. Someone will send me a friend request and then instantly private message me with what is usually a veiled attempt at getting into my pants. How they would do this through my modem is beyond me, but they do it, and I’m at a loss as to why. It took me over an hour to get my profile pic just the right angle to hide the fact that most of my face is nose, and even then, I feel I came out looking like the Progressive Insurance chick’s older, uglier sister. People must be really hard up if they’re coming to me for some cyber lovin’.

My latest Facebook Don Juan is a guy going by the name of Clark Thompson. Yes, that is his real name. If you’re looking for love, be sure to hit
him up. Just be aware that all seven of his Facebook “friends” are women. Normally I would have changed his name to protect the innocent, but how innocent can a man be when you tell him you’re already seeing someone and his response is, and I quote: “we can start with friend no one knows.” Hmmm.

But perhaps I’m being hasty. Perhaps he’s just looking for a platonic friendship where we can share our hopes, our dreams, and maybe bitch about our menstrual cycles over Pinkberry smoothies. Yeah, that could totally be it. But just in case it’s not, I’ve decided to blog our entire conversation for the world to see. Possibly this will teach Mr. Thompson a lesson. That lesson being that while I find his attentions flattering, trying to get me to go behind my boyfriend’s back is akin to saying I’m an untrustworthy slut. And that shit won’t fly.

Clark Thompson: hi dear
Clark Thompson: I just viewed your page here and decided to write you a few lines to say hello. Am a new member here and I liked your profile as i believe it to be good Match. i would like to know more about you. please kindly accept my expression of Interest. lets pursue this further for a better communication.
Karen Griffin: Match in what sense? Are you looking for a
blog interview or collaboration? Can't do a collab but I can put you on the books for an author interview if that's what you're looking for.
Clark Thompson: just want to get to know you dear
Karen Griffin: If you mean a love match, I'm afraid my heart is already taken by another. But I'm flattered.
Clark Thompson: we can start with friend no one knows
Karen Griffin: Actually, I'm pretty certain I'm with the man of my dreams. He tells me he's God's A #1 guy and I have to believe him. Because, you know, God and stuff. But feel free to post on my page.
Clark Thompson: okay dear

Instead of taking the hint, he comes back the next day for try #2. Because there’s nothing more sexy than desperate persistence mixed with bad grammar and spelling:

Clark Thompson: Hi
Clark Thompson: Hi dear
Karen Griffin: Hello.
Clark Thompson: How are you ,am clark
Karen Griffin: I'm fine. And I kind of figured you am clark. It says so right above the message box.
Clark Thompson: Are you married
Karen Griffin: I am not married, but I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful man of whom, you should be made aware, I did share the contents of our last discussion. He was quite amused.
Clark Thompson: Really
Clark Thompson: What did he say
Karen Griffin: He said, "Yeah, dude's definitely hitting on you." This isn't word for word, but basically that was what he said. I also noticed when I clicked under your name and took a look at your friends list, every single one of them was a woman. Doesn't exactly make me feel special. In fact, it makes me think the only reason you joined Facebook was to hit on anonymous women. Is that what you're doing Clark? You can tell me.
Clark Thompson: No
Karen Griffin: That's good. Then you won't mind that I've just sent them all friend requests. It's always good to be connected to people, wouldn't you say?

He never came back with a reply to that last message. Funny that.

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