I'm Still Alive. Honest.

Many of you-the two people who actually read this blog...probably-must be wondering where the hell I've been since I haven't posted anything in, like, forever. It's been a while, I know, but I'm still here. I've just been too busy cursing Mardi Gras traffic and getting over a sinus infection. And trying to make it to yoga class. And catching up on all the stories I was supposed to read for the last writer's circle meeting I went to. And the stories from the meeting I missed due to the aforementioned sinus infection. Suffice it to say, I've been a busy, busy bee.

So, it's been close to ten years since I started this blog. A lot of you (both of you) might be wondering what I have planned for the year ahead. World domination is totally out of the question as I am too much of a procrastinating slacker to even come close to realizing that dream. Mostly I just plan to keep on writing like I always do and pray someone pays attention. And that someone clicks my ads. Because I hear I'm supposed to get paid for that. And even though money supposedly doesn't buy you happiness, it would certainly allow me to be miserable in comfort.

Pictured above: Sweet, sweet misery.

This year, I've deciding to up my posting minimum to four posts a month. I'm cutting the Lazy Time Reblog posts down to one a month, but I want to include at least one Doomtown Theater post, one Feature Interview, and one massage related post. Not this month, obviously, because February is so short and Mardi Gras is a pain in the ass that sucks all the writing energy out of me. Seriously people. Never accept employment from a company located in the middle of a parade zone. You will never go home. But starting in March, I'm putting the four post minimum into affect. You may now rejoice.

Hurrah!

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Feature Interview: Lauren Scharhag

Lauren Scharhag is the author of such books as Our Miss Engel , Order of the Four Sons series, La Tutayegua , Under Julia , and West Side Girl & Other Poems . She has won the Gerard Manley Hopkins award for poetry. Ms. Scharhag hails from Kansas City where she lives with her husband and three cats, but not a dog named Toto. Because that would just be silly. LAUREN: Yes, especially since I live in Missouri and not Kansas. KARMA GIRL: Before we start, I'm going to give you my usual Unusual Disclaimer: Silent tongue is filled With questions yet to be asked Interview begins Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lauren. LAUREN: Thanks for having me. KG: Tell us about yourself. You live in Missouri now, but according to your bio you grew up in Kansas City. What was it like growing up there and have you ever dropped a house on someone's sister? LAUREN: Actually, Kansas City is in Missouri as well as Kansas-- it's the older, original KC. I had a pre...

"Meet Our Therapist"...Doomtown Style!

My boss has been getting on me to make a bio for Balance Spa's Facebook page for ages, and I've only just consented to do it. I had been putting it off mostly because doing so would require me to have a picture taken of myself. Having a picture taken of myself would require me to wear makeup. I could go without, but doing so would cause one of the seven seals to be opened therefore heralding the coming apocalypse. I hear a river in China recently turned to blood . I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I wouldn't make any long term plans if I were you. For it has been foretold! The bio was written by one of our lovely and talented receptionists, Rayme. For those of you wondering why I hadn't written the thing myself, read a few of my posts. You might notice a pattern. I can't seem to write anything serious without becoming sarcastic or goofy. That's just the way I roll. But I couldn't help tweaking Rayme's ver...

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein. But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as... 1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely ...

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