Skip to main content

Doomtown Theater Presents: Fifty Shades of Grey


I've been threatening to post a Fifty Shades live-tweet review for some time now, and every time, I've found better things to do. Like one day, it looked like rain. And the next, it was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it. And you know, like pretty much anything else that didn't have to do with sitting in a movie theater while watching this film. But last Tuesday, I finally did my duty to blog and followers and saw the film. And yes, it was ALL of the awful.


Although I've never read any of the books in E.L. James' series, I've always been careful not to put them down-at least, not too hard and not in front of a hardcore fan. I've learned the hard way what trash talking a book you've never read will earn you, and it isn't a light spanking from a rich hunk sporting a gray t-shirt. But much like Twilight, I'd heard enough about the general plot to know how bad it would be. And when I learned it was first conceived as Twilight fan-fic? Yeah, I knew I was in for a hard time. But I said I would watch, and watch it I did. 

I'd like to say I went into this with an open mind. I mean, who knows? E.L. James didn't write the script, so the movie might have ended up being an improvement on the books. But in my heart, I knew Fifty Shades was going to be so bad, my soul might rip itself out of my body just trying to escape the badness. And bad it was. Not soul devouringly bad, but bad none the less.

Pictured above: The bad. All of it.




So what did I hate about Fifty Shades? First, it had “insta-love”. I hate insta-love. That’s writer speak for having characters fall instantly in love without them getting to know each other first. Love at first sight might sound romantic, but in fiction, it’s boring as all fuck. 

Another thing I hated was the dialogue. It was wretched. The part where Ana and Christian meet in one of his boardrooms to discuss the terms of the contract was kind of funny, but for the most part, the script could have been chucked. Like the part where Ana confesses she’s a virgin and Christian is all, “Where have you been?” and she’s all, “Waiting.” At the end Christian tells a frustrated Ana that he’s “fifty shades of fucked up.” These were actual lines from this actual film. I could come up with something better by shitting on a piece of paper.

Not mine, but still better than Fifty Shades the movie.



But the thing I hate the most about Fifty Shades? The thing reads as if it were written by a writer who didn't do her research. I don't care if you're not into ball gags and whips, if your characters are, you better read up on that shit. The movie gets so much about BDSM culture wrong. Christian wants to beat Ana, he wants to sex her up, but he doesn’t want intimacy. Sadomasochism isn’t always about sex, but it is ALL about intimacy. It’s about trust, something Christian Grey is incapable of doing. Not that I…would know about that sort of thing…(sneaky eye)…shut up! 

So here it is. My Fifty Shades of Grey live-tweet movie review. I hope you enjoy it more than I enjoyed the film.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein. But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as... 1. I CAN MAKE YOU FART LIKE A GODDAMN MACHINE GUN I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely gassy meal right before climbing ont

Feature Interview: Lauren Scharhag

Lauren Scharhag is the author of such books as Our Miss Engel , Order of the Four Sons series, La Tutayegua , Under Julia , and West Side Girl & Other Poems . She has won the Gerard Manley Hopkins award for poetry. Ms. Scharhag hails from Kansas City where she lives with her husband and three cats, but not a dog named Toto. Because that would just be silly. LAUREN: Yes, especially since I live in Missouri and not Kansas. KARMA GIRL: Before we start, I'm going to give you my usual Unusual Disclaimer: Silent tongue is filled With questions yet to be asked Interview begins Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lauren.   LAUREN: Thanks for having me. KG: Tell us about yourself. You live in Missouri now, but according to your bio you grew up in Kansas City. What was it like growing up there and have you ever dropped a house on someone's sister? LAUREN: Actually, Kansas City is in Missouri as well as Kansas-- it's the older, original KC. I had a pre

"Meet Our Therapist"...Doomtown Style!

My boss has been getting on me to make a bio for  Balance Spa's Facebook page for ages, and I've only just consented to do it. I had been putting it off mostly because doing so would require me to have a picture taken of myself. Having a picture taken of myself would require me to wear makeup. I could go without, but doing so would cause one of the seven seals to be opened therefore heralding the coming apocalypse. I hear a river in China recently turned to blood . I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but I wouldn't make any long term plans if I were you. For it has been foretold! The bio was written by one of our lovely and talented receptionists, Rayme. For those of you wondering why I hadn't written the thing myself, read a few of my posts. You might notice a pattern. I can't seem to write anything serious without becoming sarcastic or goofy. That's just the way I roll. But I couldn't help tweaking Rayme's version just a bit to fit