Skip to main content

Doomtown Theater Presents: Fifty Shades of Grey

I've been threatening to post a Fifty Shades live-tweet review for some time now, and every time, I've found better things to do. Like one day, it looked like rain. And the next, it was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it. And you know, like pretty much anything else that didn't have to do with sitting in a movie theater while watching this film. But last Tuesday, I finally did my duty to blog and followers and saw the film. And yes, it was ALL of the awful.

Although I've never read any of the books in E.L. James' series, I've always been careful not to put them down-at least, not too hard and not in front of a hardcore fan. I've learned the hard way what trash talking a book you've never read will earn you, and it isn't a light spanking from a rich hunk sporting a gray t-shirt. But much like Twilight, I'd heard enough about the general plot to know how bad it would be. And when I learned it was first conceived as Twilight fan-fic? Yeah, I knew I was in for a hard time. But I said I would watch, and watch it I did. 

I'd like to say I went into this with an open mind. I mean, who knows? E.L. James didn't write the script, so the movie might have ended up being an improvement on the books. But in my heart, I knew Fifty Shades was going to be so bad, my soul might rip itself out of my body just trying to escape the badness. And bad it was. Not soul devouringly bad, but bad none the less.

Pictured above: The bad. All of it.

So what did I hate about Fifty Shades? First, it had “insta-love”. I hate insta-love. That’s writer speak for having characters fall instantly in love without them getting to know each other first. Love at first sight might sound romantic, but in fiction, it’s boring as all fuck. 

Another thing I hated was the dialogue. It was wretched. The part where Ana and Christian meet in one of his boardrooms to discuss the terms of the contract was kind of funny, but for the most part, the script could have been chucked. Like the part where Ana confesses she’s a virgin and Christian is all, “Where have you been?” and she’s all, “Waiting.” At the end Christian tells a frustrated Ana that he’s “fifty shades of fucked up.” These were actual lines from this actual film. I could come up with something better by shitting on a piece of paper.

Not mine, but still better than Fifty Shades the movie.

But the thing I hate the most about Fifty Shades? The thing reads as if it were written by a writer who didn't do her research. I don't care if you're not into ball gags and whips, if your characters are, you better read up on that shit. The movie gets so much about BDSM culture wrong. Christian wants to beat Ana, he wants to sex her up, but he doesn’t want intimacy. Sadomasochism isn’t always about sex, but it is ALL about intimacy. It’s about trust, something Christian Grey is incapable of doing. Not that I…would know about that sort of thing…(sneaky eye)…shut up! 

So here it is. My Fifty Shades of Grey live-tweet movie review. I hope you enjoy it more than I enjoyed the film.


Popular posts from this blog

Five Things You Didn't Know Could Happen During a Massage

Everyone likes a good massage. Well, almost everyone. There are some that cringe at the very idea of being naked in a room while a total stranger rubs them down. These people are either crazy or have never had a massage before and don't know what they're missing. There are also the ones that like massage a little too much and should feel free to do to themselves what they erroneously believe they are paying me to do to them. Also, read item number 3 of this blog article I wrote in November of 2012 and follow the instructions therein.

But for those of you who are just looking for a nice, perfectly innocent, legal, and in no way rage inducing way to relax, massage is the way to go. That said, there are a few things you should be prepared for before getting that first massage. Things such as...


I once had a client come in for a deep tissue massage who must have eaten a very big, extremely gassy meal right before climbing onto my tab…

Top 5 Things That Drive Your Massage Therapist Crazy

I recently read an article titled 8 Things Your Masseuse Doesn't Want You to Know. After reading it thoroughly, I've come to the conclusion that the LMT's (licensed massage therapists, for those of you not in the know) interviewed either haven’t been in the business for very long, or really hate their jobs. For example, one of the items mentioned that most massage therapists get scared when their clients snore. I don't buy that. I think if a client is relaxed enough to fall asleep on my table, I'm doing a damn fine job. Isn't snoring like applause for massage therapists? It is to me.
It got me to thinking of my own personal pet peeves though, so I tried googling Things Your LMT Hates or Things That Drive Your Masseuse to Drinking, but these searches provided no useful data, and quite frankly I’d like to know what insane, perverted monkey Google put in charge of their search engine for me to come up with this list:

Since Google failed me miserably, I thought I wou…

Facebook PM Mating Call 2: Take the Hint Perv

If the internet has taught me anything over the years, it's this: No matter how unattractive you think you are, no matter how homely you might be, there will always be that one pervert who will whack off to your profile picture and beg you for cyber sex in a Facebook private message chat. And chances are, this pervert will misspell everything he types and mangle the English language beyond recognition. I consider myself an understanding, open minded person. People get lonely. I get that. If you never ask, you'll never know. But when someone tells you they're married and not interested in your need to "take out sperm", you should take what they say at face value and try to hit up someone else. Especially when they tell you they have a history of blogging morons who won't take no for an answer. Case in point:

Being NiladriSekhar Ghosh: Hello

Karma Girl: Hello

Being Niladri Sekhar Ghosh: Wassup

Karma Girl: Goofing off on Facebook and waiting for my husband to come h…