Doomtown Theater Presents: Fifty Shades of Grey

I've been threatening to post a Fifty Shades live-tweet review for some time now, and every time, I've found better things to do. Like one day, it looked like rain. And the next, it was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it. And you know, like pretty much anything else that didn't have to do with sitting in a movie theater while watching this film. But last Tuesday, I finally did my duty to blog and followers and saw the film. And yes, it was ALL of the awful.

Although I've never read any of the books in E.L. James' series, I've always been careful not to put them down-at least, not too hard and not in front of a hardcore fan. I've learned the hard way what trash talking a book you've never read will earn you, and it isn't a light spanking from a rich hunk sporting a gray t-shirt. But much like Twilight, I'd heard enough about the general plot to know how bad it would be. And when I learned it was first conceived as Twilight fan-fic? Yeah, I knew I was in for a hard time. But I said I would watch, and watch it I did. 

I'd like to say I went into this with an open mind. I mean, who knows? E.L. James didn't write the script, so the movie might have ended up being an improvement on the books. But in my heart, I knew Fifty Shades was going to be so bad, my soul might rip itself out of my body just trying to escape the badness. And bad it was. Not soul devouringly bad, but bad none the less.

Pictured above: The bad. All of it.

So what did I hate about Fifty Shades? First, it had “insta-love”. I hate insta-love. That’s writer speak for having characters fall instantly in love without them getting to know each other first. Love at first sight might sound romantic, but in fiction, it’s boring as all fuck. 

Another thing I hated was the dialogue. It was wretched. The part where Ana and Christian meet in one of his boardrooms to discuss the terms of the contract was kind of funny, but for the most part, the script could have been chucked. Like the part where Ana confesses she’s a virgin and Christian is all, “Where have you been?” and she’s all, “Waiting.” At the end Christian tells a frustrated Ana that he’s “fifty shades of fucked up.” These were actual lines from this actual film. I could come up with something better by shitting on a piece of paper.

Not mine, but still better than Fifty Shades the movie.

But the thing I hate the most about Fifty Shades? The thing reads as if it were written by a writer who didn't do her research. I don't care if you're not into ball gags and whips, if your characters are, you better read up on that shit. The movie gets so much about BDSM culture wrong. Christian wants to beat Ana, he wants to sex her up, but he doesn’t want intimacy. Sadomasochism isn’t always about sex, but it is ALL about intimacy. It’s about trust, something Christian Grey is incapable of doing. Not that I…would know about that sort of thing…(sneaky eye)…shut up! 

So here it is. My Fifty Shades of Grey live-tweet movie review. I hope you enjoy it more than I enjoyed the film.